Knees and Toes

Flowing

2011-03-15T00:42:00.000-04:00

I'm welcoming myself back to Blogger after a month-long hiatus during which Anthony and I made a trip to Florida, had our wedding ceremony, and cruised to the Western Caribbean. All went well, and while I could go on and on about those events in more detail, that's not where my brain is right now. However, if I had to pick one thing to highlight from those events, it would be that Anthony and I were able to truly reconnect. Being out of our regular environment and away from cell phones, internet, etc. offered us some space and time to just be together. For that, I continue to be thankful.

Speaking of re-connecting, it's great to be back and practicing yoga consistently. While it felt great to be "unplugged" from the world, it felt odd being away from the community at DMY, especially after spending a six-month weekend-intensive teacher training there. Some of us are continuing our training through a mentorship program which offers us an opportunity to dig deeper, to be more specific about our individual teaching styles and see where growth is possible. We have met twice so far, and I feel like I'm learning in leaps and bounds vs. baby steps (not that one is better than the other, but it's just different). But I think much of this has to do with being open and taking action: I was open to learning in teacher training, but the whole "taking action" part was something I did cautiously. I'm learning to just get out of my own way, and it's pretty nifty :) I'm excited to see how this shows up in other parts of my life, like painting and writing.

Ok. Time for bed.

~Highlights~

2011-02-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

Some of what I learned during yoga teacher training @ DMY:
-I tend to slouch in my shoulders which keeps my energy stuck in my hips (it makes sense, I promise)
-I see and enjoy the advantages of meditating :)
-I love doing high to low push-ups
-My personal power is compacted in my core, and I've been afraid of it my whole life.
-I have a quasi-out-of-body experience when I tap into my power (and it is awesome!)
-I know what my "story" is and how it shows up in my life 1. I'm afraid 2. I'm not good enough 3. You don't get me.
-I can not only recognize this pattern, but I can choose to change it!
-As I become more authentic, my relationships & friendships shift.
-Breathing deliberately brings me into the present moment.
-Doing a vinyasa (flow) and breathing deliberately brings ease to my mind.
-I'm strong.
-There is joy in falling apart (mentally, physically, emotionally).
-I am connected to everyone and everything; there is no hierarchy.
-There is no separation between physical, mental, and spiritual health; all three affect me on a cellular level.
-I have formed lifelong bonds with these people because it is a bond based on truth.
-I feel more like myself, and I feel an awakening.
-I can trust my intuition.
-Feedback (constructive criticism) on a regular basis aids my growth.
-I tend to interchange perception for reality and/or intention for actuality.
-This is only the beginning.

Why Baptiste?

2011-02-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

I've decided to share one of my reflection papers from yoga teacher training. While I've been having some internal conflicts about the cost of some of the programs and the general structure of Baptiste (from a training standpoint), it is where my roots are in yoga. And I adore the practice. I think the resistance that's been coming up is partially excuse-based. Anyhow, here's my messy paper :)

It is only fitting that the practice of Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga was introduced to me through a friend. This speaks to the connection and community of this practice that appealed to me on various levels. This is significant because it parallels some of the basic principles of the practice. From all that I have read, learned, and practiced of this type of yoga, it is about strength through connection— connection to the mind, body, and soul. Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga is built upon the five pillars of breath, upward lifting locks, gaze, heat, and vinyasa. These pillars foster strength within the mind, body, and soul by creating connection between the physical, mental, and spiritual realms of our being; and it is this strength and connection that opens the door to leading a more powerful life.

The philosophy, in brief:

Baron sums up his practice as “free style”. It is based on a flow or vinyasa of 53 poses which creates the skeleton for a practice that is both unrestricted and dynamic. The flow of this practice allows for anyone to adapt it to the needs of his/her body instead of forcing the body to fit into the practice. But to ground this malleable flow are five, foundational pillars. Breath (ujjayi) is the most important; by coming into your breath, you come into your body. The link with the mind and soul through the present moment is then available. For every movement, there is a breath to keep the life force flowing through the practice. An upward lifting lock from the abdomen (uddiyana) creates core stabilization for all asanas. It channels the life force created through the breath and anchors it in strength from the core. Gaze (drishti), fixing your eyes upon one point, brings the mind from distraction to direction and keeps the body concentrated and balanced. This aids one to come from a place of Samadhi or neutral vision during the flow—dropping judgment, dropping the ego and seeing things as they are for what they are (seeing yourself where you are, for who you are). Another pillar is heat: the room is kept at a temperature of 90-95 degrees with 50% humidity. The heat is used to loosen and relax muscles; the sweat detoxifies and purifies the body; essential organs are rested; and a healing and re-birth occurs as layers of toxins are released from the body. Flow or vinyasa creates the fluid movement from one pose to the next. Baron describes this as “meditation in motion”. The flow brings you out of your mind and into your body, continuing to build heat and boost cardiovascular fitness. These pillars are fostered and fine-tuned over time to fit each person’s body and practice.

Why I chose to teach it:

I chose to teach Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga because it is relatable and applicable: this is connection. It brings yoga, a tradition that has evolved over thousands of years, into real people’s lives in a real and tangible way and in real time. Too often, other yoga practice traditions that I tried felt contrived or surrounded by this mysterious haze that only a select few could penetrate. The Baptiste practice is accessible; it takes this age-old, beautiful tradition of yoga and puts it into the vernacular of contemporary society. This does not discredit the value of other yogic traditions, for each has its time, place, and value. However, as a teacher, I feel it is important to be able to readily connect with students through language and experiences so that they can make a connection within themselves. To me, the connection that this practice offers umbrellas all elements involved: the five pillars, the mind-body-spirit, the community, the strength (physical-mental-spiritual). And through connection, I am able to serve, to become a better human being, and to see the light in others.

Another reason I chose to teach this practice is because it presents a basic truth: you have to show up and do the work. This practice is not about what you look like, sound like, or act like; it’s about showing up on your mat and doing the work, being accountable. This simple concept seems somewhat foreign in a society inundated with zero personal accountability and promises of quick fixes, especially when it concerns physical health. When I left the studio after the first time I ever tried Baptiste power yoga, I remember thinking, “I have never sweat so much in my life, and I used every part of my body. What an awesome workout!” However, I soon found that this practice goes far beyond physical transformation. It is common for people to start this practice because of the physical benefits; but for me, shortly after beginning, I realized that any physical “progress” or journey is directly connected to the health of my mind and soul.

This practice brings awareness to the triad of health, again in a very tangible and realistic way. The flow opens up avenues for realization of what seems automatic and commonplace. For example, the breath: throughout the day, it is something the body does automatically, like blinking. Certainly, we can consciously hold our breath or keep our eyes closed, but for the most part, it is practiced without true consciousness. When doing a vinyasa, however, the breath is deliberate. As the body moves and heat is built, you can start to notice how the breath is affected. Is it short? Shallow? Deep? Forced? Frantic? etc. From here, awareness is brought not only to the breath and body but to the mind—how the mind reacts to certain poses or even to the feeling of the breath being shortened or lengthened, or what the mind tells us we cannot do even though the body is fully, physically capable, or how the spirit and intuition fair with the ego. For me, this simple focus on the breath has brought awareness to my thought patterns and how those patterns surface in my life when I am off of my mat. It has brought awareness to my body and how it reacts to those thought patterns from noticing physical tension to observing my food intake and its effect on how I am feeling emotionally, spiritually. Awareness of why I may be feeling or reacting a certain way makes it less daunting and brings me into the present moment.

Through this awareness comes transformation: transformation, not through force, but through what Baron describes as peeling away the layers of an onion; in other words, being in the process. This is another reason why I chose to teach this practice. It is moment-to-moment, process-oriented transformation rather than rigid and destination-focused at some unknown point in the future (which doesn’t exist). The practice changes with you and vice versa. There is a freedom in this that is not offered in other routines that count reps, weights, pounds, etc.; for these routines are under the notion that you never quite “get there” which makes it easy for stagnation to set in physically, mentally, and spiritually. It is based on limits/limiting beliefs whereas Baptiste power yoga is based on limitless possibilities. You are not confined; you simply show up as yourself, and the transformation has already begun. It moves one from mindlessness to mindful/purposeful movement of the body, taking you out of your egoist mind and into your body. Through connection, truth, and awareness, transformation—unique to each person—is possible.

That umbrella of connection to the self through truth, awareness and transformation is, in turn, what brings acceptance of what is. It strips away the “should haves” and “what ifs” and incessant worry by bringing me face-to-face with myself in the present moment. From here, I am able to have true, authentic interactions from a place of acceptance rather than resistance. By accepting what “is” in myself or my own life, I am able to accept what “is” in others; I am able to connect. Baptiste yoga brings me from reaching without for answers to embracing what is within. It is my intention to share this by being a channel through which this practice can be made accessible. It is my intention to serve so that connection can be fostered.

Power of the Group

2011-02-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

I went to the 6am practice this morning at DMY. I'm not a morning person, per say, and I still can't decide if that trait is genetic or an actual, conscious choice. However, I think the days of working 5am-9am at Borders cured me of my beef with waking up anytime before 6:30 in the morning. When it comes to practicing, more than half of the effort is just showing up on the mat. There were about 10-15 people @ the studio this morning, and it was a toasty 100 degrees in there :)

I've done many home practices over the years, some with one other person and others just by myself; but it isn't the same as being with a group of people. It's not really even about being at a studio to practice; it's the energy of being around others, being able to hear each other's breath. It helps me to become more present. I recently finished reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. In talking about the group and presence, he writes,

Group work can also be helpful for intensifying the light of your presence. A group of people coming together in a state of presence generates a collective energy field of great intensity. It not only raises the degree of presence of each member of the group but also helps to free the collective human consciousness from its current state of mind dominance. This will make the state of presence increasingly more accessible to individuals...

He goes on to explain that even though the group is powerful, one shouldn't become dependent upon the group or on a "master" teacher for this connection; for you are then identifying with form from without vs. true presence within. This makes perfect, intellectual sense to me. But I still prefer practicing with a group to going through a flow on my own because it's more enjoyable, energizing, juicy. It's harder (or I make it harder) for me to stay focused, be in my body instead of my mind, stay accountable, etc. when it's just me. Why is that? This is something worth exploring. Too often, I use the lack of power of the group as an excuse as to why I'm not doing something be it yoga or painting, to name a couple. I'm noticing where else this shows up in my life; while it's okay to want to be around others during these activities, I don't want to use it as a crutch. Hmm...

I've missed you, Knees and Toes.

2011-02-02T00:10:00.000-05:00

I look at the left-hand side of Simply Kate's blog to see that I haven't updated mine in approximately two months. I cringe at seeing this. It feels like another commitment broken (well, it is). Certainly, a lot has been going on since the last entry, but the fact is that I don't make the time and/or trust my intuition when it comes to posting an entry. I have at least 4 drafts from December that I never published. What am I waiting for? I miss writing just for the hell of it, even if it's messy and uninteresting. I have a list of things I wish I'd been sharing over the past 2 months, but I only see the point in picking up with what's actually going on right now.

I just finished one of my last papers for yoga teacher training on Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga philosophy and why I chose to teach it. I was making it difficult at first, but then I decided to just write from my heart. I'm such a Type A writer; everything has to sound, look, and flow perfectly. It is rare that I write something and leave it as is. This must come from my 2yrs. as a writing tutor. And I'm certain this is why I have 4, unpublished drafts on queue.

I also spent 10 minutes taking Anthony through a guided meditation this evening. It truly made my day to share that with him. I took a meditation workshop back in December, but this was my first time ever taking someone through a short meditation. My teacher, Sri, works with a foundation called The Art of Living. This is one of the best ways I've seen meditation explained...go here. (It's fun to watch, I promise.) Sri describes meditation as the art of doing nothing. For me, this blew past the mystique surrounding the practice, and I'm eager to learn more, share more about it with Anthony (and anyone else interested). Have you ever tried meditating?

I'm tired, so that's all for now.

Next?

2010-11-18T20:36:00.000-05:00


Sam seems to like the new art table as much as I do.

Saturday was my last day at a job I started as a summer-hire. At that time, it was my intention to serve my allotted term in that position and then move on. However, I stayed past my end-date for many reasons, but none of those reasons included a true desire to really grow in banking. While I could see myself doing well in banking, particularly as a relationship banker, I lacked the true motivation for it.

I feel, a little bit, like I'm at a standstill. What I mean is, up until this point, I've had a pretty good idea about what I want to be doing when it comes to work. Through the process of yoga teacher training and leaving my most recent job, I've realized that there are two things I know for sure: 1. I love helping people, and 2. I love creating. Right now, I feel like I don't know anything beyond those two things. The question, "What do I really want to do?" remains open-ended.

I decided to stop making excuses around most of my art stuff being in Florida (by stuff I mean art table, easel, etc.) and bought a table and stool to set up for painting. 2 minutes after setting that up, Sam went and laid down beneath it :) I think that's a good sign.

I know I'd like to explore doing postcard-sized art; I'm not entirely sure why, but that idea has been with me for some time now. I also have a couple of projects to work on for Anthony before he gets home (39days!), but I can't write about it yet as it would ruin the surprise.

"Sammy's so confused, he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt."-Steel Magnolias

Photos from Holmes Run Trail

2010-11-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I've experienced a northern autumn. The trees' leaves actually change colors with shocks of oranges, reds, golden yellows, and browns. It seems to happen overnight, but it takes all year. While the colors and changes are very beautiful, I miss Florida's faux fall as it is very simple---it's either green or brown outside, or maybe a little taste of both.

In many ways with fall up here, there is so much drama: the colors, the leaves falling, the raking, county-wide leaf collection dates, more leaves dropping, more raking, more leaf vacuuming (yes, they actually do leaf collection via vacuum). The most joy I get from this time of year (so far) is Sam's reaction to the leaves being swept along by the wind. Every moving leaf is a toy to her, and the minute she has her paws on one leaf, she moves on to the next. Oh, and she likes to eat them too. So I have my personal leaf vacuum to clean the patio deck.

Despite the drama, I can't deny its beauty or its concrete reminder of the passage of time, the need to shed and made room for new growth. Anthony and I run these trails together, but by the time he gets home, all the crunchy leaves will be replaced by slushy snow.

How do you feel about fall?

Smells like comics...and the 5th of November

2010-11-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

My experience with comic book stores is that they are the same right down to the smell. They're small, crowded (with comics, not people), narrow, musty, carpeted with a drippy, dated window air units, impossibly tall shelves, and just, well, old. While I can't say they are my favorite place to go, they do bring back fond memories of the 4th floor of the UNF Library, pre-new addition/new construction. It was a massive floor devoted to every book you could think of, and I always purposefully got lost amongst the art books. I'd go in looking to take 1 or 2 and end up leaving with at least 7.

Anyways...Not too far down the road from Anthony's Restaurant is a place called Hole in the Wall Books (and Comics). Anthony enjoys comic books, but I'm thankful he isn't so fanatical that we have bookcase upon bookcase devoted to holding preciously packaged back issues. But that might just be because we only have one bookcase...I'm not sure :) I'll take Anthony here after the holidays, see what it's like, see what he thinks. I didn't really grow up reading comic books and consequently didn't really grow attached to a specific superhero, anti-hero, etc. I remember my cousins having comic books and a few in particular being anal about keeping them covered in plastic. As a kid, I remember thinking that was silly. Why have it if you can't really use it or touch it or enjoy it? Besides, I got too caught up in the pictures to really read the text or understand the characters.

The superhero movies are fun---Superman, Batman, Spiderman, X-Men---but I never felt anything deeper than the surface satisfaction that a good action film/hero story fulfills. V for Vendetta, however, is different. While my dad hold's the world record for watching that film over and over and over again (to the point of nauseating my mom), I have also watched it many times. And I can thank my dad for introducing me to it. Even after seeing it several times, I find the concept refreshing. A "super-hero" (a little more realistic than the flying, batty ones) who actually holds people accountable and enacts justice? Cool. Sure, there are moral issues that come into question---like the glaring one, that violence is one of the only ways to enact justice---but ultimately, I think V is the best comic book hero because he stands for truth (oxymoron, I know---truth from a masked man), justice, progress, and in short, no bullshit. As a kid, I remember getting so annoyed with movies that showed the conflict between good and evil. The "good" would always try to give the "evil" a second and third and fourth chance by being compassionate, and he/she/it would always get screwed over and then end up being upset for faltering. V offers compassion for what is right and non-tolerance for what is not....pretty harsh but pretty powerful and kind of relieving. Besides, who doesn't feel like we're living somewhat in the corrupt, futuristic UK depicted in the film?

I digress. Anthony, get ready for Hole in the Wall :)

Anthony's Restaurant

2010-10-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

I pass 309 W. Broad Street on my way to yoga everyday. Located here is a place called Anthony's Restaurant. Yes, the name reminds me of my husband and the fact that they serve Italian food helps as well; but this place is packed every evening, which is normally a good sign. It looks like a little mom-and-pops type of place, and once Anthony gets home, we are checkin' it out! Maybe they'll give us a discount...probably not.

To the left is page 2 of their menu (I like the little graphics). If you want to see their complete menu, go here.

Unfortunately, I don't see chicken alfredo on this menu, and that's one of Anthony's favorite meals. He's not crazy about tomatoes, tomato sauce, cheeses, olives, and many other Italian-esque things, yet he calls himself Italian :) I'm not a huge fan of alfredo sauce, but one of my favorite memories of Anthony revolves around that meal. During one of his first times eating with my family, he made my parents shrimp alfredo for dinner. He finished it off with cherry pie (my dad's favorite) and a scoop of ice cream. So sweet (Anthony, not the pie). No one had ever cooked dinner for my parents before; needless to say, I was wooed.

So, Anthony, be prepared to eat at this place when you return! Besides, I'm tired of driving by and smelling the yummy-ness without trying it.

Stillness

2010-10-02T18:37:00.000-04:00

I just returned from a long walk with Sam. Fall is starting to show her face little by little. There are clusters of crunchy, brown leaves on the ground, and the weather is cooler. Sam thinks every tumbling leaf is something to be pounced upon. The experience of going through seasons is foreign to me; I'm looking forward to watching the earth change (and the cooler air), but I think after a week or two, I'll want the warmth back (right, Anthony?). By the time Anthony gets back, we'll be in the dead of winter; and after being in 100(+) degree weather for 6 months, I'm sure he'll appreciate the change (eh-hem, right, Anthony?). I have a feeling we'll balance each other out.

I'm trying to make a point to take my camera with me on a regular basis so that as I see things or places or whatever, I'm able to record and share. Here are a couple of shots from the same viewpoint on the bridge that leads to the trails.

There were so many reflections of light happening simultaneously, and it created these interesting segments and lines in the light reflecting off of the water. It's a little hard to see here since you can also see the reflection of the trees.

In yoga, they say that with a still mind, you are able to reflect on the truth within much like when a body of water has stillness, it reflects its surroundings. Coming upon this on our walk today reminded me of that.

Yoga teacher-training is this weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday). It's good, but I'm tired :) I cannot wait for Anthony to get home and come to the studio with me to practice. I think it will be such an amazing thing to share together. He seems to be a little worried about "doing it wrong", but as Kristyn says, "It's yoga practice, not yoga perfect." Silly but true. I needed that reminder today.

Seed-Bearing

2010-09-26T14:15:00.001-04:00

After researching different types of "tree fruit", I discovered what this thing is. I also ended up taking the whole thing apart to see if it had a nut/seed inside; it didn't. Just lots of fluff and wispy strands with tiny seeds at the base. It belongs to a Sycamore tree. In general, I have a thing for trees and anything that comes from them. I've been finding these (Sam too) all over the ground. Sam likes to paw at them and then proudly carry them around in her mouth during our walks. Maybe she likes the prickly sensation; who knows.

Anytime I see something like this, aside from being awed by nature's process, I think about the movie, The Fountain. Anthony introduced me to that movie almost a year ago, and I've been in love with it ever since. It's a beautiful story about life (physical/spiritual), love, and what we perceive death and eternal life to be. Perfectly enough, a tree is central to the story, a tree that represents the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden. The Queen of Spain sends a conquistador to find this tree and drink the sap/milk from the tree in order to obtain eternal life for her and her country. He succeeds in doing this, but he gains eternal life by becoming part of the tree. Moments after greedily drinking the sap, he begins to grow leaves and tree limbs from his body until it completely consumes him and he becomes part of the earth near the root-base of the Tree of Life. His human form ceases to exist.

Parallel to this story is that of a doctor obsessed with finding the cure for his ailing wife. This mission consumes him so much that he loses prescious time with Izzy who is open and accepting of her fate. At one point, she takes a seed from a tree and plants it. There's a lot more to the story, but after she passes, her husband takes a seed (similar to the sycamore ones that keep showing up) and uses his hands to dig a hole in the snowy earth to plant it.

I'm losing steam with this post because I can't really explain all of the amazing symbolism and messages in this film, but regardless, finding those seeds make me think of my husband and the amazing process that is life.

Coca-Cola Classic

2010-09-21T23:03:00.000-04:00

One of the things Anthony left behind in the refrigerator is half a case of Coca-Cola Classic. When we first started dating, the man would drink 2-3 cans of soda per night (which made me cringe a little). After all, I grew up on diet everything: diet coke, pepsi, sprite, root bear, ginger ale, cream soda, etc. Therefore, regular soft drinks and the like are unfavorable and make me feel more thirsty than before.

Anthony always buys Coca-Cola Classic cans, and he always drinks it cold, either straight from the can or over ice in a tall glass. It's become habit for me to steal a sip (well, maybe 2 sips) from his soda while eating dinner together or watching Jeopardy. And over time, I started liking the taste of regular Coke but never enough to open and finish my own can....until recently.

...hopefully, the answer to the origin of this floating hand

Since Anthony has been gone, I've managed to finish off the half-case that was in the fridge. I'm drinking the last one as a type. I enjoy the taste, but I think I have drunk them more for nostalgic purposes than anything else. Yes, only recently have I created memories around this age-old drink, but those memories are precious to me. Since moving up here, Anthony has also ingrained in me his rinse-out-the-can-before-throwing-it-in-the-trash tradition in order to prevent ants; he tells me this is a Florida thing, but I grew up in Florida too and we never did this. Then again, we always had diet drinks.

Purpose

2010-09-21T22:27:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that I haven't been particularly motivated to update my blog. But thanks to my friend, April, I have a fresh perspective on how to use my blog over the next few months. As most of you know, Anthony is on deployment. As of tomorrow, we are halfway through! There are thousands of things, moments, experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. that make me think of my husband...aside from the general Anthony-is-always-on-my-mind stuff which is a given. So, I'm choosing to bring attention/awareness to these instances through the act of writing about them here. I feel that it's important to bring specific attention to this so that 1. I don't explode with emotion & thoughts, 2. I have a way, other than Skype, to communicate daily happenings, and 3. it's a positive shift in focus, to do something productive with the "I miss him so much!" feelings.

I'm hoping that the last three mos. move along faster than the first three. I'm hoping it's like the school year: the fall drags and the spring flies.

Read if you like.

Love to all.

Race to the Flop

2010-06-06T21:42:00.000-04:00

While sitting in traffic the other morning, I heard a brief story on NPR about one of Obama's education-reform tactics called "Race to the Top Fund" (I'm calling it RTF for short). States can apply for funds from this program if they are showing aggressive reform in four, main areas which you can read about here under "Program Description" towards the bottom of the page. Seems a bit generic to me. Aside from being difficult to navigate, the website is lacking clear and helpful information that simply maps out the who, what, where, when, why and how of RTF. The application is 103 pages long and must be verified by the governor of the applying state.

From what I can gather, this program is heavily based on gains: percentage increases in student performance, at-risk students/schools making significant improvement, standards-based assessments that measure student success, highly effective teachers and principals who create/implement/encourage these gains, etc. There is no mention of community, family, parent, or guardian involvement which, from my experience, is the pressing issue. Without this involvement, your attempts to have a massive body of students achieve "success" (however the govt. describes it) are futile. I think the majority of the community must be invested in the education of its children in order for the students to do so. We are still so segregated...it is typical for middle and upper-middle class, white children to be more proficient than African-American children. Drive around your city; it's easy to see. And speaking of segregation, I would like to know who decided to name this program "Race to the Top". Sure, they mean race as in speed; but considering the reality of the public school system + it's racial divide, it's such an unfortunate word to use in this circumstance. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

It is infuriating to hear about programs like RTF because the steps that schools are expected to take in order to apply lead to a dead end. The heavy focus on percentages of "standards-based curriculum" and "standards-based assessments" is insignificant when the curriculum and assessment processes are flawed. For example, a low-achieving school could, in the eyes of the government, meet their Adequate Yearly Progress numbers while more than half of the students may still be deficient in the subject areas for which they were tested. Let's say the number of students reading on-level at Lion Elementary is 15%. In order for Lion to meet AYP, they must show a 20% increase in students reading on-level which means the other 65% of the students remain deficient. Just because a school goes from an "F" to an "A" doesn't mean that all of the students magically caught up with everyone else in the district/state. Sure, there's progress; but this emphasis on scores (and how those tests are scored/who actually scores them is a whole other issue that I won't discuss now) is deceiving. It crops out so many other contributing factors that could aid student achievement. The government is taking the place of the family because govt. doesn't know how to repair what is so severely damaged. In turn, teachers, principals, numbers, scores, and the like are held responsible for measuring very limited definitions of things like growth and progress. They are hypnotized by these lines of numbers and scores (which now equal dollar signs), failing to see that the answer and their biggest ally lies beyond the schoolyard fence.

Corporate Novelty

2010-05-23T20:47:00.003-04:00

Last Monday, I began training for a teller job with Capital One and so far, I am pretty impressed. I'm accustomed to the field of education where there is never enough money spent where it is needed and higher-ups shrug and say, "Oh well. Work with what you've got." I've never been drawn to the business field, but Capital One may be changing my mind. Sure, they spoiled us at orientation with complimentary coffee, tea, and breakfast followed by gourmet sandwiches for lunch. But beyond that, our facilitators seemed genuinely excited to have us join the "team". There's more of a horizontal mentality at Capital One when it comes to their infrastructure; very little emphasis is placed on job titles/positions/hierarchy.

The job I'll be doing is a temporary, summer position that could become permanent. It has been my experience that when you're a temp., you're seen as disposable and pegged for grunt work. However, our facilitators took the time to explain the importance of our position/role and why it was created. Excuse the cheesiness, but they really do use their resources to invest in their people as they want to ensure that you're successful; they encourage you to explore all avenues available and build your own career path within the company. I know: it's a business. They spend money to make money. They're corporate. But it seems like one of few companies that understands...happy employees are more productive :)

Lighten Up

2010-05-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'm into my 3rd week of being employed again and for the most part, I don't have many complaints...except for one. Now, it has been quite a few years since I worked retail; but I haven't forgotten that some people can be rude and difficult "just because" while others can be delightful and understanding. In the past, this would normally refer to the demeanor of the customers; however, I'm finding that while most of the people at work are pleasant, they aren't necessarily nice, friendly, or incredibly helpful...well, at least this is so for the team with which I usually work. The 5am-9am shift is interesting for me because (1) I am not a morning person and generally dislike needing to be out of the house before 7am and (2) I spend most/all of the shift working alone. I don't expect to be talking about our life stories with each other, but a little bit of conversation while working tends to lighten the mood, especially that early in the morning. I feel foolish even writing about this as it is only part-time work, but the anti-social-ness bothers me since I am still training.

My most interesting customer so far:
A woman who looked very young for her age (she told me she was 78 but looked like she was in her late 50s) told me not to tell anyone that she grows a garden in her house. She whispered this to me across the register counter as I was ringing up her items.

Entitlement

2010-04-28T22:59:00.000-04:00

Over the past year or so, I've become very aware of my "stuff" and how much of it I have. This ranges from tangible to intangible, but for now, I'm mostly talking about the concrete stuff. The more stuff I have, the more weighed down I feel. For example, whenever I'm getting ready to move, I try to consolidate what I absolutely need to keep and sell the rest or give it away. Having to move tons of furniture and whatnot from point A to point B feels like such a chore to me. Most of my large belongings were acquired through Craig's List or thrift stores; maybe this makes it easier to not be so attached or have so much stock placed in certain items. They have a purpose for a time and place and then they're passed on via sale or donation. I'm not sure if this is economically savvy money-wise, but I'd like to believe that it's better, in general, to get something used vs. buying it new for the sake of using the crap out of raw materials vs. disposing them.

I don't want to turn this into a post focused on how wasteful we are as consumers and how we all need to "go green", recycle, etc. More so, I find it curious how being able to waste is almost part of our standard of living. I can't speak for the world, but for the U.S., there is a mentality that it is our right to have anything we want in whatever quantity we desire, and we'll be damned if we go to the store and the item we need is out of stock or we don't have the 50+ color options in lipstick, furniture, paint, etc. I'm not saying we should all wear the same clothes or have the same stuff OR that everything should be rationed out (hello, communism. in a utopia, you would work). But I do think we have a responsibility to be aware of and act as necessary when it comes to "stuff": buying it, disposing of it, saving it, our attachments to it, passing it on...

This mindset has changed my point-of-view on a few things including books/movies and food/health. I enjoy owning books (especially art books for reference), but over the past year or so, I've been more inclined to just borrow a book from the library (unless I really need to write all over it). Too often, my bookshelves became dust magnets, outlined by the book spines that moved maybe three times per year. With food, I think the simpler, the better. I feel lighter, healthier when my foods have as little preservatives or fillers as possible. However, I have a hard time resisting cupcakes.

I'm not sure I have a point other than how important I think it is to simplify. See Domestic Kate for another perspective on simplicity.

In short, to me, less stuff = simplifying = less attachment to inanimate objects = more brain space = a greater ability to live in the moment.

Jennah-Shoes

2010-04-22T00:41:00.000-04:00

Jennah-shoes are the $3.50 rubber flip flops available @ Old Navy (or 2 for $5.00 if you feel thrifty & want more than one color). I call them this because my dear friend, Jennah, wears a pair of these religiously. She and I have never discussed this, but I admire her ability to wear her blue or pink pair of rubber flops with any outfit and make it work. I recently purchased a silver pair just to bum around in since I don't have the stylish capabilities of Jennah + her shoes :)

I met Jennah while teaching; she was one of the kindergarten teachers. After our first time hanging out off campus, we became friends pretty quickly. It also helped that we only lived a few blocks away from each other. I think our bond was sealed when I went through this ordeal... Jennah was the one to help me lug the couch out of the house after a lot of my screaming and freaking out. Our friendship especially progressed when she introduced me to yoga at M Body which led to our joint-participation in their 40 Day program. Besides that, our dogs are boyfriend and girlfriend since they haven known each other since their puppy days. No, really. If either of them hears the others name, they get incredibly excited and start whining or barking.

This weekend, Jennah will be in DC for her friend's bachelorette party. I'm thrilled that I'll be able to steal some of her time. Ever wish you could take people with you, wherever you go?

Cupcakes

2010-04-21T21:03:00.000-04:00

Saturday, Anthony and I went to one of his co-worker's houses for a BBQ. I made cupcakes to go along with the 4 bottles of soda we provided (very healthy, I know). For Easter, my mom sent me this cute, little cupcake recipe book that also includes other concoctions for pies, cakes, and cookies. I have a thing for making (and eating) cupcakes, so I tried the "Chocolate covered Strawberry Tart" cupcake recipe. They turned out delicious, but I have a couple of grievances:
1. The base for the cake is cookie mix...so they are really cookies with icing on top in cupcake form.
2. No where in the book does it state that these recipes are for mini-cupcakes. I should have figured this out when I read to only put one teaspoon of cookie batter into each cup, but I didn't read that far ahead before buying the supplies. Therefore, I had to go back & purchase more mix and was only able to make 24 "cupcakes" total.

While these were quite tasty, I think my favorite part was the colors; I think this is usually my favorite part about cooking in general. To me, he more colorful, the more appetizing. Of course it should taste good, but I personally enjoy the presentation aspect of baking or cooking. Maybe that's the visual artist coming out. Anyways, they looked cute: pink cups, chocolate cake, pink frosting, and mini-chocolate chips on top.

Last summer, I bought a cupcake recipe book. I think I only tried one recipe from that book. While they turned out well, I always seem to have trouble when it comes to making frosting. It's always the wrong consistency, i.e. too runny. Maybe an electric mixer would solve that problem :) Any suggestions are welcome.

Now, go eat a cupcake!

A word on Lady Gaga-Dada-Dali-Warhol

2010-04-18T14:37:00.000-04:00

I like Lady Gaga. It's a bit of a guilty pleasure, as is my love for Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. But with Gaga, it's not jut about her music being catchy. I have my reasons :) From what I've read, she is a legitimate musician having been somewhat of a child prodigy with the piano and later attended NYU in order to study music. Mostly though, I think her whole performer-persona is intriguing.

The first thing I am reminded of when I see her videos is performance art and/or what is called an art happening. She also seems like a female, musical-artist version of Andy Warhol; she defines, re-defines, embraces, and utilizes pop as her genre of choice without trying to glorify it into something more pristine. Pop is very disposable. It (a product, a song, a fashion fad, etc.) is desirable one moment and taboo the next, continuously evolving into the next temporary craze. An evolution based on temporaryism which doesn't necessarily improve or depreciate it (pop) in value...hmmm, interesting. Anyways, I appreciate that Gaga understands this and uses it to her benefit through her music, fashion, and video productions. It's difficult to take something like pop and twist it around so that you control it instead of the other way around. If it controls you, you're coined as cheesy, fake, a media puppet (see Brittney Spears). Gaga's style is also very Dada and Dali-esque, incorporating elements of nonsense (the Dada part) and surrealism (the Dali part). Just watch her "Bad Romance" video if you don't know what I mean. Non-functional clothing? Impossible shoes? Headgear that doesn't allow you to actually see? Laying next to a decomposing skeleton? What more do you need...

I also appreciate the status she maintains as a female performer. She's a sex-symbol but in a much more powerful way than Madonna, Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and so on. Again, the biggest difference is Gaga's ability to maintain control (or the illusion of it) over pop, almost creating it as she goes. Performers like Madonna, however, who had great potential to do this, really f-ed it all up when she opted to be sex symbol and well...be a sex symbol. There's this line of trashiness that Madonna always crosses just for the sake of selling her music or rather, her show(s). Don't get me wrong: I enjoy some of her music, but I have virtually no respect for her as a person.

I can do without Gaga's choreography, or lack thereof, as well as her leotards, unitards, whatever-tards. Aside from that I find her and the craze she's created pretty interesting. Is she an asshole for manipulating the pop genre in order to become famous? Maybe. But I find it humorous that she's able to consciously do this and get away with it. Thank you, Andy Warhol, for paving the way.

Slobber & Stuff

2010-04-16T00:37:00.000-04:00

You know you're a dog person when the neighborhood dogs' names are retained in your memory instead of the owners' (or if you're blogging about your dog). I still contest that people are more likely to talk, period, when you're walking a dog. And then there are those awkward times when the stranger gives a little too much attention to your pet and ignores your existence completely. Hmmm.

I'm very thankful for the small dog park area within the apartment complex. I don't take Sam there every day, but it's nice maybe once or twice a week if we didn't get a long walk in that day. Today, Sam met Marty (a 4mo. old Goldendoodle) and Kara and their respective owners, John Doe (with the shaved head) and John Doe (with the Sperry's). Now, most owners are pretty easy-going, especially @ a dog park. It's just understood that your dog is going to run around, bark & growl, sniff and chew stuff that's questionable, slobber, drool, and, well, be a dog. Sam slobbers quite a bit for her size (well, it's more like foam). When gravity starts to take over, it turns into this long, stringy strand of goop just waiting for touchdown.

This, apparently, bothered Mr. shaved head and Mr. Sperry's as they commented on Sam's slobber several times. It got to the point where any time she went near their dogs, they acted as a body guard so that some of her slobber wouldn't touch their fur. I thought about apologizing but decided that was unnecessary and idiotic. Their failed body guard attempts were followed by comments like, "...and I JUST gave Marty a bath!" and "Jeez, Kara. Now you're soaking wet." Really, people? I'd have to say the best part was when Sam, in one of her frantic sprints around the perimeter, bumped into Mr. Sperry's leg and wiped all of her foam onto his shin. I know that sounds mean, but
1. so is passively aggressively implying that my dog is unfit for playing with other dogs due to her drool
2. don't come to a dark park, period, if you aren't planning on you or your dog getting a little dirty...that's like doing a workout and getting pissed off that you sweat.

Ok. Enough childishness

My interview today went well; I am to expect a call on Sunday or Monday with their decision as they have other people to interview between now and then. Thanks for your good vibes.

A Call-back

2010-04-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview @ Borders. Hey, it's a start. I haven't heard back from The Phillips Collection Museum which actually has disclaimer on the bottom of their application page that says,
Due to the volume of applications received, we regret that we are unable to respond to individual inquiries regarding application status. Only candidates selected for interviews will be contacted. Really? No time frame for contacting potential candidates? No time frame for when the job-posting expires? Oh well.

The last job interview I had involved my future superior telling me that it would be unwise for him to place me in a high school teaching position because I looked like I'd date the students. There were many other inappropriate comments made, but I'd have to say that was one of the most difficult interviews to sit through. Here's hoping that tomorrow's is much more pleasant, especially because the manager who called me today said, "Just be sure to bring your witty sense of humor". Hmmm.

Memory of the day: As a kid, I fell off my bike more often than not. My knees are covered in oddly-shaped scars to prove it.

Explore

2010-04-14T01:55:00.000-04:00

Recently, I've been thinking about doing a series of memory-inspired paintings. This thought has crossed my mind several times in the past, but I'm really feeling the want to get some of this stuff out with paint. I have no idea how it will come to fruition, but I suppose that's part of what makes it exciting (and potentially frustrating). I have 8, primed pieces of masonite staring at me, begging for some experimenting to begin. I think I'd like to work from childhood photographs of family/friends/houses etc. There's something very dream-like about memories, especially childhood ones, and my dreams have been exceptionally vivid over the past 3 months. Maybe there's a connection between the two that is worth exploring.

Speaking of exploring, I've been spending the past 3 weeks feeling out Alexandra, VA, and Washington DC. Being in a new city can be daunting, but overall I think it's healthy for me. I'm somewhat forced to emerge from my comfort zone and embrace naivety, curiosity, and my tendency to get lost while driving. Aside from being a mecca for the visual arts, downtown DC is pretty awesome...and somewhat perplexing. I'm used to New York City which is loud, teeming, paved from head to toe with the trees in little gates. DC is busy, of course, but it feels so much more open than a place like NYC. There aren't really any skyscrapers, and thanks to the museums and historic landmarks/monuments, there are plenty of wide-open parks, fields, and trees. There are so many tourist groups (high schools, bands, middle schools, etc) walking around with their chaperons that it's hard to feel like an outsider. It's actually kind of comforting to know that most of the people you walk past have no idea where they are headed either.

Memory for the day: I learned what the word "explore" meant from my Dad. There was rarely a vacation, day-trip, or weekend drive that didn't involve him pulling over to the side of the road in some desolate area so that we could walk around a piece of property. As a child, I remember asking, "What are we doing?" to which Dad would respond, "We're exploring!" Ok. Cool. We get to walk around in some unknown area (normally through the woods), surrounded by trees, unprepared for any chance encounter with a wild animal. It became one of my favorite things (even though I'm sure I whined about it at the time), and I think this was the birth of my love for nature and tree canopies.

Disassemble

2010-01-12T21:30:00.003-05:00

There's a bird I take with me wherever I go. So far, we have been through 5 moves: Mallory to Oleander to Herschel to S. Moon to Casey Key & back to S. Moon. It's a flat silhouette of a turquoise bird made from thin metal. Her wing is raised and there's a hole from her breast to her stomach. This hole houses a small, purple gem attached to the body by a thin, coiled wire. I suppose it represents the heart. And attached to the top of her wing is a simple, leather loop. Through every move, I give her a floating home by looping the leather strap around the ceiling fan chain of my bedroom(s). Inanimate object? Sure. But she remained constant as I moved in to one place, moved out of another, rearranged, ripped apart, put back together, lost friends, gained friends, laughed, cried, prayed, cursed...everything.

At the end of September, I resigned from my teaching job. My world, it seemed, was falling apart. It's stupidly obvious now but if you're not happy, the job, salary, benefits, apartment, and routines mean nothing. I'd become this desensitized vessel, going through the motions of what I thought I should be doing instead of what I wanted to be doing. I realized shortly after I left Jacksonville that I just hadn't been listening to myself. I didn't pay attention, and this was due to a major lack of trust within. I've started rebuilding that over the past 4 months, but sometimes it still feels like I'm taking things apart and unearthing little gems that are initially covered in crap.

Above all, I'm learning how important it is to trust and listen to oneself. It is only by doing this that I am then able to truly help others...to move from selfishness to selflessness. As Marianne Williamson says, "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." I think my little bird is a great reminder of this.

The most honest lie

2009-11-01T00:20:00.003-04:00

Halloween, I'm finding, is a favorite holiday of many. What's not to love about it? People of all ages, shapes, and sizes get to dress up in some ridiculous (or totally awesome) costume to exercise some aspect of an alter ego. It's one day out of the year during which everyone is okay with each other acting a little goofy, weird, peculiar, eccentric, etc. I think somewhere between the planning, trick-or-treating, partying, and dressing as someone/something else, a more honest part of ourselves comes out. Maybe we should wear costumes more often.

As I sat with my sister on her front porch, waiting to treat trick-or-treaters, I thought about how Halloween is one of the most honest holidays. Absent are the attempts to convince children of Santa or the Easter bunny's existence (you can throw the tooth fairy in there too, though she/he doesn't have a holiday per say)....or stories about "pilgrims and indians" sitting down to a nice, harmonious, well-intentioned feast (eh-hem, we'll leave out the whole part about colonists giving the Native Americans furs that were infected with smallpox). Granted, our holidays have become entirely manufactured and commercialized (don't get me started). But I respect Halloween. Everyone knows what the traditions are without all the bickering and controversy. People seem to happily participate without a lot of fuss, other than the fuss over their costumes. Trick-or-treating starts at dusk; kids show up with questionable pillow cases held out for candy deposits; parents bring their infants and toddlers and walk their young ones through the neighborhoods; a lit porch light means candy is available....It's all very simple.

In short, I love Halloween for it's ability to bring out some awesomeness in just about everyone. All it takes is a little lie with a mask to bring out some honesty. Besides, who doesn't like free candy?

Thank you, Eric Weiner.

2009-10-01T20:35:00.005-04:00

Recently, I finished reading The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner. Weiner worked for a decade as a journalist for NPR and then decided to explore (physically, philosophically, etc.) the happiest places in the world and their reason for being such. This was recommended to me by my dear friend, Jennah. NPR journalist + travel + happiness is a recipe for grabbing my attention.

He explores 10 regions: The Netherlands, Switzerland, Bhutan, Qatar, Iceland, Moldova (one of the least happy places in the world), Thailand, Great Britain, India, and America. I won't go on and on as if this is a book report, but this book really is a perfect balance of discovery, humor, self-exploration, philosophy, research, and travel.

There are many, many parts of this book that are thought-provoking to me, but I'll just pick 1 item for now.

Weiner writes,
...places are like time machines. They transport us back to years past. Rebecca Solnit observes, "Perhaps it's true that you can't go back in time, but you can return to the scene of a love, of a crime, of happiness, and of a fateful decision; the places are what remain, are what you can possess, are what is immortal." That's why we feel so disoriented when these touchstones from our past are altered...

Landscape (the respect and preservation of it) is a very powerful thing that is so easily bulldozed in America. For me, there is an excitement when visiting a city like New York or Boston where so much from the past has been maintained and utilized in the present. It's hard to feel any connection to a new strip mall that will surely be empty and demolished within a few years, only to be built again across the street. This same excitement exists in the presence of historic sites from the civil war...to think (and feel) that the same trees and earthworks were probably there all those years ago is incredible.

Anyways...

For a long time, I thought that a strong person should be able to maintain some kind of happiness regardless of where he/she was or who he/she was with. I've decided over the past few months that this little theory is total bullshit :) What happens without is just as significant as what happens within, and they are relative. Sometimes, seemingly everything without is hellish and chaotic (work, friends, finances, etc.) while inner strength & calm remains. Sometimes, the opposite is true. And then there are times when a balance exists.

The House

2009-08-16T22:29:00.003-04:00

I had a dream the other night about a house. It was an old, two-story like the ones in Riverside with sizeable back and side yards. In the yard was an endless amount of junk...bird fountains, statues, lounge chairs, flower pots, mosaic tiles (stuff that seemed like junk because there was so much of it cluttered throughout).

The first level of this house was where I lived; I was renting, I believe. And I hated it. More junk in every corner and open space, dirty linens, musty towels and rags bunched up on shelves (note: a pet peeve of mine is when people leave damp towels/rags in a heap), papasan and mamasan chairs without cushions, dusty pillows, furniture everywhere. In short, it looked like a very unorganized thrift or antique store, invading every room and making it impossible to feel at home. I remember feeling frustrated because after all, this house had incredible square footage but no where to actually "live".

The second floor did not belong to me. In fact, I didn't have access to it. But somehow, I managed to scale part of the exterior, brick wall and pull myself up to peak in the window. There were no screens or glass, only a plastic dropcloth taped to the top of the sill, letting the breeze blow it around. For a moment, the breeze blew the plastic up so that I could see inside. The moment I saw inside, I felt at peace. And I had this great desire for that space to be mine instead of the first floor. What was on this second floor? Well, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just an empty, slightly dusty large, sunny space through which the breeze could blow. I wanted to yell "Sanctuary!"

I'm not one to interpret dreams, but this one seems like a big, fat metaphor for what's been going on over the past few months. Lots of housekeeping/housecleaning with personal baggage, friendships, relationships, excess, attachment, detachment, etc. I can only assume that the 2nd floor symbolized the simplicity and openness that comes along with letting go, and I think that's why I yearned for it so much in my dream. I could go on, but I'll leave it at that.

Routines

2009-08-07T23:20:00.003-04:00

There's this old woman who walks up and down the main strip in San Marco at night. I've seen her several times now. It is guaranteed that she will make her way to the San Marco Theatre, stand outside the main doors and peer inside at the person manning the cash register. She's always wearing the same thing: a large-floral print, button-down shirt with an ankle length navy blue skirt and loafers. Her gray hair is in a loose, low bun and her glasses sit a bit crooked on her nose. Her leathery arms are always folded. I discovered by eavesdropping at the theatre that she asks, everyday, to see a movie for free, even if it's the same movie. After all, SMT only plays one movie per night, two per day if they're feeling ambitious. So, she stands there staring at the owners until they cave in or until they outwardly deny her access.

I wonder where this woman is from, how she got here, why she always wears the same clothes, why I only see her at night, and if she has a place to stay. And she probably wonders why I'm always at the same Starbucks sketching...that is, if she even notices. She doesn't seem to see anything except for what's directly in front of her.

Over the past few months, I've become more and more curious about the bums (or those who seem like bums) around Riverside and San Marco. I see the same ones almost every day, and when I don't see them for a while, I worry that they're not alive anymore or that they've been hurt. This is especially true for the black man I see stumbling up and down Stockton, always carrying a big trash bag and wearing shoes that barely have a sole and a striped shirt that looks like it used to be gray and white horizontal stripes; now it's just brown. He's always wandering halfway in the south-bound lane, traffic having to purposefully avoid him. He worries me the most.

I have half a mind to stop and ask all those same questions I'd like to ask that woman, but things like common sense and fear stop that from happening. Still, I can't help my curiosity and my desire to know what it is they need. I'd like to photograph them and write their story, but that just seems like exploitation.

What's in your car?

2009-08-05T22:02:00.002-04:00

After spending an evening with my dear friend, Aubree, I walked back to my car in the Town Center parking lot. As I unlocked the door, I looked in my window and realized how much stuff I have in my front and back seats; it's not necessarily valuable stuff, but stuff nonetheless and stuff that can tell a complete stranger a lot about me. Yoga mat, FTCE Professional Educator Study Guide, Starbucks cup, dog toy, sunblock, and drawing books, are just a few items.

So I have to ask, what's in your car? What does it say about you?

Why Not?

2009-07-31T23:48:00.005-04:00

More sketches from the past few days:

Possibilities:

I've decided to stop putting my life in a box---to scrap "the plan" and be open to other paths instead of the one I feel, most times, like I must follow because of financial obligations or personal limitations which don't actually exist. I feel like I've made this list before...maybe only in my head.

-intern at NYC MOMA for a season (assuming I apply & get accepted)

-go to graduate school to get my MFA in painting and drawing (assuming the same thing)

-enroll in the teacher certification program at M Body so that I can teach yoga

-move to Austin and do the yoga TCP @ the baptiste affiliate studio there instead of here; look into UT's MFA program

-move to NYC to teach yoga at a baptiste affiliate studio (they actually have an instructor position open)

-finish my 3rd yr. of teaching art to get my professional teaching certificate, making it easier to get a teaching job elsewhere

-go back to school and get my doctorate in physical therapy (hello, 5 yrs. of school)

-become a full-time artist traveling and selling work at various art expos/festivals

-do something in botany

-look into film school

More & More Sketches

2009-07-27T23:01:00.010-04:00

I suppose these are from lastest to oldest. Not to say that these are "finished", but some of these look half done because people moved while I was drawing them (how dare they!). I like doing contour drawing, but it's difficult to do in a public setting because I'm not paying these people to model for me :) They could move at any instant. This is why gesture drawing is more ideal in those situations.

I think I've mentioned before that drawing out in public reminds me of my trip to Venice, Italy: people come behind you and peer over your shoulder without saying a word. People's reactions are interesting and sometimes peculiar. I especially love when people say things like, "Hey, I have this photo of me and my dog. Can you draw it?"

Anyways, more later.

ps-apologies for the crappy photo quality of these sketches.

More Sketches

2009-06-24T22:37:00.004-04:00

Okay, so my perspective is way off on some of these, particulary the one where it looks like the women's bowl and cup are about to fall off the table. Oh well. The other morning, I biked downtown and sketch part of the Main Street bridge. Landscape/cityscape isn't my thing, but I acutally enjoyed doing that sketch.

Hot, hot heat and Illusions

2009-06-22T00:34:00.005-04:00

It's been so hot that going outside with any intention of staying sweat-free is futile, even for 5 minutes. I've decided to accept it rather than become annoyed. Summer, after all, is my favorite season. This is when I miss living 2 blocks away from the beach. At least there's a sea breeze there.

Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to nurture an interest in photography because I'd like to start incorporating collage into my paintings. Rather than cutting and pasting images from magazines, I'd rather take my own photos and use those. My friend, Rebecca, donated her old Nikon FM10 camera to the art program at SP. I decided to bring it home this summer and get a feel for it. With the help of my friends, Jennah and Patrick, I have a basic understanding of how to use the camera....more than just aim and shoot. Thanks, guys. After 2-3 weeks of shooting photos here and there (including a half-day trip to a state park in Palatka...hotter than balls and infested with mosquitoes), I dropped off my roll of film at Walgreens on *Saturday. With great excitement, I went to pick it up this morning only to be told that my roll was blank and that the photo tech had lost it. If your roll is blank, they are supposed to at least SHOW you it was blank. The manager offered me a free roll of film. Wow. That's redeeming. Realizing that an argument would be pointless, I left the store tearing up a bit.

*I should probably mention that when I dropped off my roll, there was a sign on the counter which informed customers that they were unable to process photos that day due to malfunctions with their machinery. It apologized for the inconvenience and promised that a technician would be out soon to repair it. The tool who took my roll (who I'm pretty sure was the culprit in f-ing up my film) was really nonchalant about it and said, "Yeah, I don't know, I just got here and they told me the machine is down."

So, after being angry what I've realized from this experience is my difficulty with letting go, especially when it comes to art and its process. It's the same type of feeling I had while in printmaking and graphic design courses at UNF. There is a certain point where you have to surrender to or accept the process and just let it run its course. With printmaking, there are so many variables; you can have a killer image, but if you inked your plate wrong or didn't wipe it correctly or the press isn't set at the right pressure, your print is going to turn out wrong. With graphic design, if the ink in the printer is off, all of your colors on the monitor will look nothing like what prints. And now, with photography, if someone messes up your film, that's it. Gone. Maybe this is why I'm attracted to painting and drawing: you have a little more control than other mediums. But it is just the illusion of control.

What I'm trying to say is, I need to let go. This explains a lot---this is why I've been all stopped up inside when it comes to art---this is why when I think about a portfolio for grad school, fuses in my brain short out---this is why I've painted over 4 different series that I've started over the past few months.

::sigh:: Serenity now.

Sketches: 06.16-06.20.2009

2009-06-20T11:39:00.014-04:00

Here are some sketches from the past few days. Boy am I rusty on depicting the human figure. Yikes. I'll get there.

It feels incredible to be out sketching on site. It reminds me of being in Venice, Italy, sketching in restaurants and piazzas all day. I had forgotten how good it feels to use your sketchbook as a camera to capture an environment, people or no people.

Apologies for the crappy scanning job. And I thought I had cropped out the edges of my sketchbook. I'd also like to thank blogger for taking at least 8 minutes to upload each sketch.

Al's Pizza

Biscotti's

Cool Moose.

I had to get some bloodwork done the other morning. This sketch was done while sitting in the waiting room @ Quest Diagnostics; this was a very small room with about 40 chairs, uncomfortably close, facing a small television at the front of the room. They should have lined the perimeter of the room with chairs, and then put the remaining seats back-to-back in pods in the middle of the room. This is what goes through my head.

Starbucks in Riverside

This is the same girl, two times. After the first sketch, I wanted one zoomed in bit more .

Starbucks in Riverside.

Responsibility

2009-06-14T22:37:00.004-04:00

I've decided to make a schedule for the summer so that I don't sleep it away (very tempting).

Main Goals:
-create a solid portfolio for this fall's grad school application & work on my artist's statement
-yoga at least every other day
-continue and complete the P90X program (Uncle Pete, "I hate it, but I love it!)
-start training for a 5K
-re-visit some art criticism texts and critique some art shows
-travel somewhere (be it a day trip or longer)
-brainstorm ideas for the '09-'10 school year
*create assessments for each grade level
-take advantage of free Cummer admission to draw in the gardens/galleries
-learn new recipes & eat less crap

Daily routine should include:
-exercise (part of this needs to include Sam)
-sketching (from observation in public)
-painting
-writing (journaling, blogging, or whatever)
-reading
-cooking (I need to eat out less)
-drinking lots of water

There. It's in writing. Now I have to follow through.

Mistake: More than you ever wanted to know about the movie, "Waitress"

2009-06-07T17:08:00.005-04:00

I saw this movie in the theatre when it came out a few years ago. Recently, I purchased a used copy of it at MovieStop thinking that I really enjoyed this film. After watching it last night, I remembered that I didn't think it was all that great in the first place. This movie could have been pretty cool, but it failed somewhat miserably. Why? There is an outstanding lack of motivation in the storyline & characters. The viewer is expected to just accept the characters' shortcomings, flaws, decisions, depressing situations, etc. without any background information. It's hard to have a relationship with the characters because of this. They are believable but only within the realm of the movie itself...it's virtually impossible to see them as being potential, real-life people. Now, if this was some fantasy movie, I'd be sympathetic, but it's not. Therefore it's troublesome that poor, little, waitress Jenna in a small town married to an awful excuse for a man is expected to be believable.

It's also difficult to see her relationship with her husband as believable. Earl, so incredibly selfish and needy, who scripts what Jenna should say and do to show affection, doesn't ever seem to pick up on her blatant sarcasm. Ever. Perhaps if they had given more background on how they met/why they got married/why they're still together, this wouldn't have seemed so out of place.

And then there's Jenna's relationship with her doctor. Again, there's no motivation for him to be having an affair with Jenna, other than physical attraction. But the movie tries to make his attraction to her more substantial than that. The portrayal of the doctor's wife gives the viewer no reason to dislike her or to see any reason why he's unhappy in his marriage.

Overall, this movie is unconvincing. While I like the idea, it simply doesn't read the way the director intended, perhaps.

Still, there are some things I adore about this film.

-the palette.

-the scenes that show her making pies or imagining new recipes.

-when she discovers how wonderful it feels to talk to someone who genuinely cares to listen.

-the moment she holds her daughter for the first time

That's it.

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-28T22:00:00.002-04:00

Kitkat, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of thankfulness. I think it'll be good for me to make a conscious effort to be thankful.

So, I am thankful for the Chartrand family and their foundation. I am thankful that they are such charismatic and committed advocates for the success of our school and the other parts of the New Town Success Zone. Thanks to them, we have about 30 partners involved in this area and it will continue to grow.

At a "thank you" gathering tonight, Mr. Chartrand said a few words. His most profound were, "We strongly believe that one of the most effective ways to end the cycle of poverty is through education." Mr. Chartrand, you read my mind! Thank goodness someone with the means to help understands this.

I am also thankful for my job. It has made me grow as a teacher, person, and professional. Doesn't get more real than that.

Forecast: Reality

2009-05-23T18:59:00.005-04:00

It's been rainy for the past 7 days. And 5 of the 7 days, it rained without letting up. Normally, consistent gloomy weather puts me in a funk, but this time around, it hasn't bothered me. It's actually been kind of enjoyable. Maybe I CAN live in Seattle...? Wishful thinking.

One of my friends is a choir director at a brand new high school in St. Johns County. His students had their final performance Monday evening, so I decided to check it out. After driving through miles and miles of gated communities with perfectly pruned lawns and cookie-cutter houses in suburbia hell, I made it to the school. Before I get on my soap box, I want to say that he and his students did a wonderful job.

My 45 minute experience at this school gave me reverse culture shock (is there such a thing?). And being there pissed me off. How little progress we have made in closing the gap between white, privileged communities and poor, ghetto, black communities AND each one's relationship to education. Explain to me why the county (St. Johns or Duval, it doesn't matter) has the money to build brand new schools in white suburbia but can't afford to repair the infrastructure of older schools (like mine) that are infested with roaches & rats, have playgrounds not up to code, and classrooms that flood on a regular basis. What are their intentions, really? Keep building new schools in safer parts of town so that the inner-city schools will eventually fail (academically, structurally, communally etc.)?

Did you know that DCPS has made the following a requirement: in order to be a candidate to serve on the DCPS school board, you MUST have administrative experience in a Title I school (eh-hem, a school like mine). So, are we planning on Title I schools being around for a long time, i.e., not helping the poverty-stricken communities around those schools so that potential administrators and potential board members can get their rough and tough, hard-core, real-life inner-city experience? That's like saying, "We're counting on you to fail! so that our people can reap a special experience from your shitty, low FCAT score, high-crime, low parent involvement reality!" Okay, okay, let me be rational for a moment: maybe they're just trying to get fair representation from various schools.

I can't say that the lives of my friend's students aren't AS REAL as the lives of my students. They are both equally real. And I can't blame his students for being born into that reality, just as I can't blame my students for their situation. It is what it is. But I feel like I can blame the public education system for making those realities so foreign to each other and mainting the age-old divide between the rich and the poor. I am convinced that one of the biggest causes of poverty is lack of education. I believe that. And I also believe that people should have to work for what they want instead of receiving hand outs. But when you're trying to do that in a system that sets you up to fail, what's the point? I can see why those people would feel that their efforts are futile.

Ugh. I could say more, but my adrenaline is waning. Lucky you :)

Scattered Post

2009-05-17T22:32:00.004-04:00

Last week:
There are 13.5 days left of school. I couldn't be happier about this, especially after last week which was Fine Arts Week. While the week was very successful and fun for the students, there were many unnecessary head-butting incidents with adults which pushed me over the edge. So, I have a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm too tired to explain the week in its entirety but there are pictures on Facebook if you are interested in seeing the students doing Pollock painting, mosaics, and the final performance.

Friends:
I am truly thankful for the people in my life in Jacksonville. I've come to know some really genuine, loyal people here who have become a second family, and I appreciate them with all of my heart.

This summer:
With Fine Arts Week behind me, I am ready to dive in to my goals for the summer which mainly involve heavily researching graduate schools and working on my porfolio. I'm going to apply again this fall so that I can hopefully get in for the Fall 2010 term.

Spoiler

2009-05-04T08:33:00.005-04:00

If you haven't seen The Soloist yet and don't want any part of it ruined, then you probably shouldn't read this.

I saw this movie a couple of weekends ago and was impressed but not in the way that I expected. I think this was a risky movie to make in that it could have been very typical: lost talent in the form of a mentally ill homeless man is rediscovered and brought to fruition through the help of a complete stranger. The fact that it's based on a true story is certainly inspiring, but the movie could still be a big flop. I think many viewers (myself included) could sit there waiting for a predictable happy ending: Ayers gets medicated, gets himself off the streets, and plays professionally again. But that's not what happens because that's not real-life.

Speaking of real, this movie was a little too real for me at certain points. I cried at 2 parts, and no, it wasn't during the part when Lopez gives Ayers the cello and he plays in the tunnel or when Ayers gets into Juilliard. There's a very tender-hearted flashback which shows Ayers's mother coming down to the basement where her son sleeps. In so many words, she tells him that music is his way out of that neighborhood. It reminded me so much of my students and their situations; no one really says it, but if a student can go to LaVilla instead of Butler (sorry, truth hurts) because of their artistic talents, that's their ticket out. What also got me were various scenes of the Lamp Community with all its homeless.

Though uncomfortable at times, what made this movie a success, in my eyes, was its real-ness. There was no happy ending, no predictable moral. One of its unexpected lessons was the importance of meeting people where they are and moving forward with them from that point. We spend so much time trying to tell other people what they should do or think or be. We project ourselves onto each other, as if our own life with all its ideals and experiences is THE way to live. Lopez went through that with Ayers, and in the end (if there is an end), he realized that he couldn't change Ayers because that's not what Ayers wanted or needed.

Bonus: I was SO happy that this movie brought classical music to the general public through the medium of film. I'm hoping it instilled some music appreciation. The cinematography in conjunction with the music was incredible.

Sidenote: I set aside my not-so-secret crush on Robert Downey Jr. while writing this post.

Helping or Enabling?

2009-04-28T14:11:00.003-04:00

I vowed to myself long ago that I would never give cash to a stranger who approached me with that request. I don't care what or how convincing the story is, I won't budge. What solidified this decision for me was a guest speaker who came to visit my college writing class (back in 2003...my word, has it been 6 years?). The guest (I believe his name was Spencer) worked at a local homeless shelter/rehab facility and was a friend of my professor, Chris Dew. Hearing Spencer's first-hand experience with addicts (most of whom were homeless) made me decide that the worst thing I could do was give them money.

This is very different from my father's mentality which goes something like this: "It's not my job to know what they're going to spend it on. It's my job to give. What they do with it is between them and God. If I get to heaven and Jesus says, 'John, why didn't you give me help when I asked you?', I'll respond by saying, 'I did help you. Why did you go spend it on blow?'"

Yup, that's my dad.

What I'm willing to do, instead, is give the person food or buy them what they need if I'm in a position to do so. The corner of I-95 and Park is a typical place for people to hang out and ask for money, especially because it's one of the longest stop-lights in Jacksonville, I'm convinced. I have rolled down my window, listened to their request, and told them no, "But would you like this half of a sandwich I didn't eat?" Sometimes I get a taker, other times they turn and walk away.

This past Wednesday evening, I was about to walk into a CVS when a young man approached me with a baby girl in a shopping cart. He started telling me his story and something about his baby daughter (who looked totally healthy), and when he finally said, "So if you could spare some change or cash..." I told him I didn't have any cash (which was true). He was about to walk away and I asked him what he needed for his daughter. He looked at me for a second, confused. "I won't give you cash, but I'm about to go into CVS and can buy what you need for her." Still looking a little dumbfounded he said, "Size 4 diapers, a drink, and a snack." Before I went in, I looked at him and almost demanded that he wait right there. "Oh, well my mom's car is right over there in the parking lot", he said. "No, you need to wait right here for your stuff." He agreed. s

The whole time I was in CVS, I kept worrying that this was going to be some big joke: I'd buy the stuff, walk outside, and he'd magically disappear. Thankfully, he was still there, and his mom was there too. They thanked me and I went on my way.

Now, I'm happy to help, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to do so. But am I convinced that they were actually in need? No. It all seemed like a ploy. This man was wheeling this baby girl around the entire parking lot, going from person to person. It just seemed...whack, for lack of a better word. Oh well.

I just hate to think that I'm enabling someone. What do you think??

Something Cool

2009-04-02T22:48:00.002-04:00

One of the things we did during our 40-day program Monday night sessions was a guided meditation followed by a written response. Before we started, everyone was given a small piece of paper and writing utensil. With eyes closed, Melanie led us through a meditation that went something like this:

You are walking down a dirt road. There are rocks and boulders on either side. No one is in sight. You feel the hot air on your skin and look up at the sky and trees as you walk. Far off in the distance, you see a figure. As you keep walking, you realize that it's another person. Even closer, you realize it is a child. You are a few feet away from the child now, and you realize that this child is you. You bend down to look into his/her/your eyes for a moment. You want to give this child one piece of advice, the most important piece you can fathom now that you are an adult. You hold the child by the shoulders, look into her/her eyes and tell them that one thing. You embrace.

After coming out of the meditation, we opened our eyes and Melanie asked us to write down that once piece of advice on the paper. We then folded it up and passed it to the right and the left and the right, over and over again until our paper had traveled to the other side of the circle. We were then allowed to unfold and read the advice someone else gave to him/herself as a child. The one I received was as follows:

You can always change your way of thinking and being no matter where you come from.

I cherish this for many reasons, but mostly because it came from the depths of another person's soul, memory, meditation. It's such an intimate thing, and the fact that we could share that with each other as a group was extremely powerful.

So, what one thing would you tell yourself, as a child?

What advice did I give my child-self?: Love.

Disappointment + Decisions

2009-03-30T00:14:00.003-04:00

I'm disappointed in myself for not posting in over a month. To sum up, the 40-day program was phenomenal and yoga has become a part of my routine. I feel weird without it. What do they say? It takes 21 days to create a habit? If I'm able to do yoga 6 days/week for approx. 6 weeks, then I feel that I'm able to do just about anything regarding exercise. I wish I had documented my progress throughout the program, but I didn't. I'm sure it'll come out in pieces here and there.

I'm also disappointed in the fact that I gained weight from doing that program. Though it wasn't my intention to lose weight, it also wasn't my intention to gain. My only conclusion is that the weight-gain is due to muscle (which is great). But still, it's no fun waking up one morning only to learn that more than half of your pants don't fit anymore. My Bauer-butt has increased in size (or so it seems). For those of you who don't know, the Bauer-butt is a term my sisters and cousins have created to describe our butts. Finding a pair of pants that fit can be taxing. What usually happens is that pants will fit everywhere but the waist, which just kinda sticks out because our butts fill in the back but our waists are small. ::sigh::

Now to the most pressing issue: work. Once again, the security of my position for next year is up in the air. For the 09-10 school year, art has been cut from 5 days to 4 at S.P. So, if I retained my position there, that would mean 4 days at S.P. and 1 day at another school. That's a big IF, though. DCPS has called for a 30% reduction in art teachers at the elementary level; this amounts to 26-28 teaching positions. This means that seniority comes into play, and because I only have 2 yrs. in the system, I am @ the top of the list for being surplussed or terminated. Overall, I'm just happy that there will still be art at my school, whether or not I'm the teacher. It is, however, discouraging; I feel that I've laid a really good foundation this year in my 2nd round of teaching, and to think that I wouldn't be able to build further upon that f-in blows....not to mention all the connections and relationships I've made with the Cummer Museum, the Weaver program, the Chartrand Foundation, etc., and all that they have contributed to the arts at our school.

After being pissed off, sad, and all of those productive things, I decided to just do my job to the best of my ability for the remainder of the year because I am still employed, thankfully. I've decided not to worry about next year because it doesn't exist yet. In the meantime, I'm making a mental list of what I will/could do if teaching is not in the cards for me after this year. I must admit that I get excited when i think about these options:

-move to the area where I'd like to attend grad school and start taking post-bacc. classes.
-apply to graduate school (I have my eye on New Mexico & Arizona)
-move overseas and teach English (Hello, Japan!)
-work for Cathedral Arts Project and paint and exhibit more
-apply for a paid internship at the MOMA in NYC

If I do lose my job, I know that I don't want to work for the public school system ever again...not in Florida, anyways. It is one of the most corrupt institutions I have ever experienced, and I do not want to be a part of that system. I've decided that FCAT will be and is the demise of public education in our state. Teachers are encouraged to "teach to the test"; if a grade level isn't going to be tested in science, then those teachers are not supposed to "waste time" teaching science. I think 3rd grade isn't tested in writing, so teachers are told not to have writing instruction.
?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Anyways, I suppose that's enough for a new post....

Cleanse*

2009-02-17T14:21:00.004-05:00

*I never finished this post but wanted to publish it anyways...this feels like forever ago.

Yesterday started my 3-day fruit cleanse for the 40 day program. This entails 3 days of eating nothing but fruit...avocado and tomato count as do fruit juices and tomato soup. This is day 2, and I have never been more thankful for tomato soup than I am at this moment. I don't even like tomato soup! And I never thought I'd say this, but I'm tired of eating things that are sweet. After this fruit cleanse is over, I can't see myself picking up a piece of chocolate or anything with a lot of sugar. I'm all sugar-ed out. This cleanse is also doing wonders to my digestive system...I'll leave that to your imagination. I feel good though...lighter, brighter, cleaner. It's interesting though, how much food affects you. So many times we just eat because we're bored (my vice) or upset or restless. Eating only fruit is making me realize how much food I DON'T need to eat and still feel nourished and be able to function. Yes, it is possible to do an hour and half yoga practice only on fruit :)

Awake

2009-02-04T10:15:00.003-05:00

I got to work an hour late yesterday because I slept through/turned off all three alarms without getting up. I'm not a morning person---never have been---and if I don't get my shower-time in (which helps me wake up), I feel like a zombie (literally) ALL day. And then I have to hear people say, "Man, you look tired!" which annoys me to high heaven. It's like someone telling you that you look sick :P Anyways, I blame part of this over-sleeping on attending the hour and a half yoga class Monday night, and the group session directly after. I didn't get home until 10pm, and didn't get into bed until midnight. My body decided I needed a full 8 hours, so I guess I can't argue with that.

So I have 1 week of the 40-day program under my belt, and it feels wonderful. I've become aware of a lot of things in that short period of time, so I can only imagine what the next few weeks will bring to the surface. There are these excavation questions we have to answer which correspond to the meditation theme for the week. Actually putting a pen to paper and writing down the answers was awakening; we think we know ourselves, but so much gets lost in translation when those thoughts are left to just float around in our heads. When "forced" to move your thoughts from the abstract to the concrete, it becomes clear...or clearer.

Overall, I feel myself making a return to emotion. What I mean is that I've spent the past several months somewhat numb, mostly due to the end of a 5yr. relationship; those last few months in the relationship were particularly draining to the point of emotional exhaustion. So I gave up on emotions for a while, which denied the sensitive part of who I am. I'm noticing that I'm not as afraid to feel the good, bad, and the ugly. At the same time though, I notice myself being very sensitive to other people and their life situations/emotions. I have a tendency to take responsibility for others emotions, so I'm working on a balance.

I must admit, I'm not quite as excited this week as I was last week....not as easily motivated. I'm determined and happy to push through it, though.

As we say at the end of class, Namaste.

More on my meditation struggles later...

I am ecstatic.

2009-01-27T19:50:00.003-05:00

Yesterday began the M Body Yoga "40 Days to a Personal Revolution" program. This program includes the following each week:
-5 studio practices
-1 home practice
-1 day of rest
-2, daily meditations (morning, evening)
-In week 3, we do a 3-day fruit cleanse (That'll be interesting. I may call some of you whining).
-keeping a journal of daily food intake and things in general
-Monday night group sessions

Our 1st group session was last night, and we had to introduce ourselves and announce why we are doing this program. I hadn't thought about this extensively; I knew I wanted to do it for physical and emotional well-being. But when it was my turn to speak, what came out of my mouth was, "I'm tired of making excuses. I fill my life up with so many distractions to the point that I am unable to feel centered & feel good about my core...I'm not sure I've ever felt centered."

Hmm....thank you, inner-voice, for speaking the f*** up. lol :) After the next few people shared, I thought about what I'd said, and I realized that I'm also doing this to work on living in the present. Not doing this has been the cause of much anxiety and sometimes depression...which is just dumb (easy for me to say that now when I'm feeling so great). The last thing that helped me with that was my internship at Wolfson Children's Hospital. Your worries about life are put into perspective when 5-18 yr. olds are battling leukemia and you're perfectly healthy. More on that later.

So far, I am on track. I've done the meditations and have gone to the studio to practice both yesterday and today. I feel great. Really. I had more to say, but I think I'll stop there for now. A shower is in order.

*Part 2

2009-01-23T13:41:00.005-05:00

*This is an old post I forgot to submit...

Next week begins the new resource schedule. This means I will be seeing the other half of the school who, up until now, have been attending music and p.e. rather than art and media. And up until now, I haven't been excited about the switch-0ver, but now I feel ready. In some ways, it'll be like starting a new year: I'll be able to re-establish rituals and routines in more effective ways. It's a second chance, mid-year.

Here are some of my goals for the next group of students:

-Provide more assessments

-Have each student create his/her own portfolio of artwork so that they can note their progress

-Have 3-5 minutes of warm-up/doodle time at the beginning of each class. (Thanks, mom, for giving me all of those notepads! They will be put to good use!)

-Create more art history/artist-focused lessons so that the projects are more in-depth & connected.

-Play more music

-Teach students the "Paint" application on the computer.

Findings

2009-01-21T21:38:00.006-05:00

I'm starting to feel as if my job is a sociological study or rather, could be used for one. Though every day could be described as interesting, I've discovered some particularly-interesting things within the past couple of weeks.

Finding I.

Last week, we did a lesson on African masks. I asked students what it means to be African American....(crickets). I asked how many thought they were African American...(crickets). Finally, a 5th grader said, "African American means you're black!" ::sigh:: Unfortunately, this was the answer (if any) given by the majority of students. This took me by great surprise. Are these kids really unaware of their heritage? Have they any idea how much adversity their ancestors had to overcome? If they did know, would it put into perspective how important it is for them to take seriously their education?

We discussed how & why the color of your skin doesn't necessarily determine your ethnicity. My kids had the most puzzled looks on their faces, but I think I may have planted a seed. I encouraged them to go home and ask their parents/grandparents/aunt/uncle/guardian about the origin of their ancestors.

Finding II.

In other areas, my students are extremely aware...perhaps a little too aware of the world and its issues. On the day of the inauguration, I had grade 3-5 students compose a letter to Barack Obama. We brainstormed by making 2 lists: one with advice for Obama and the other with promises as to what we will do as citizens to make a difference. Many students mentioned improving public schools, stopping child molesters, feeding/housing the poor, stopping prostitution, arresting drug dealers, cutting taxes, providing more jobs, etc. I was pleasantly surprised by how much they knew; at the same time I was saddened that they are aware of so many burdensome world-issues. Usually, children are so unaware of themselves and how they exist in relation to the world. There are many conflicting expectations for the students of S.P.; we want them to be able to come to school and just be kids, but on the outside, they are expected to be so much more than that for survival purposes. Some of them are so resilient and can withstand situations I wouldn't have dreamed of at their age. Others are victims of it.

There were some other items I wanted to discuss, but they have left me.

Have a great weekend.

Tidbits

2009-01-14T21:36:00.002-05:00

Good news! Due to a lack of DCPS school board support, the possibility of West Jax being merged with my school is slim to none...closer to none. This makes me very happy because I don't think our school is ready to accumulate 200 more students yet. We're making significant gains academically, but there is much work to be done concerning the general atmosphere of the school and discipline of the students. Additionally, this gives me a chance to have another year (if my job stays intact) to teach, pay off my loan, save for graduate school, and get my professional certificate. Woot.

In other news, I've been getting the feeling that 2009 is going to be a year of growing and stretching. I can't put my finger on why I feel that way. The last year like that for me was 2006, and 2007 proved to be the year to apply all that I learned in 2006. We'll see what happens.

This is a short week: Friday is a Planning Day and Monday is a national holiday, as you know. My 24th b-day is Saturday. Hmmm...what was I doing 10 years ago? Oh yeah, hating high school :)

My Favorite Things to Do When Sick

2009-01-11T18:17:00.002-05:00

1. Sleep (and taking Nyquil to help that become a reality).

2. Read.

3. Drink blue Gatorade.

4. Drink hot, green tea with honey.

5. Watch movies or episodes of Saved by the Bell.

6. Take hot showers (well, I like those anyways).

7. Sit in the sun.

8. Sleep some more.

9. If it's a cold, I end up eating a lot even if I can't taste everything that well, especially the following: broccoli, spinach, tangerines, oyster crackers, veggie soup, egg noodles, toast, and grapes.

10. Not listen to music.

Top 5 for the first week of spring term:

2009-01-08T21:34:00.002-05:00

(not in order of importance)

1. I joined a gym and started going.

2. I painted!

3. I get to see my students from last semester until the end of the 2nd grading period. Then I'll have a new batch of kids. This gives me some time to put my game face on all over again for rituals and routines.

4. I think I made nice with my vice principal.

5. I had a nice, good cry at the beginning of the week.

Rusty

2009-01-08T10:01:00.005-05:00

It seems that all the numbness from ending my 5 yr. relationship 3 months ago is starting to wear off. Over the past few days, I've been sadder than a polar bear on a melting iceberg. Today, I seem to be coming out of it, a little, thanks to friends and family talking me through it. Monday was one of those ask-me-if-I'm-okay-and-I'll-burst-into-tears type of days. Haven't had one of those in a long time. But the good thing is that it has provoked me to squirt out some paint and create a little. Yay.

This sounds ridiculous but at 23, I in some ways feel like my life is already mapped out (I know this isn't true, but hey, it's how I've been feeling). I feel this way mostly because of some financial obligations that are preventing me from saving money that I'd like to put toward graduate school...possibly overseas...amongst other things. Additionally, at 23, there is a part of me that is tired of being responsible. Part of me wants some time to do nothing but paint, ride my bike around, walk my dog, yada yada, be a beatnik. At the same time, I know I feel most accomplished and "happy" when I am involved with something, be it a job or organization or whatever.

I suppose I have some more soul-searching to do. Who doesn't?

Preference

2009-01-03T00:55:00.004-05:00

I am ready to publicly admit that I have been reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and am thoroughly enjoying book 3 at this time. I in no way, shape, or form support the recent movie based on book 1...it was a disaster. I don't know about anyone else, but I am getting really tired of filmmakers adapting books into movies. It's almost like books are being written with the mindset that they will be made into a movie. Some things should be left in their original medium.

In short, the series revolves around a love story that involves a human (Bella), a vampire (Edward), and a werewolf (Jacob). Don't laugh. It really is quite good :) Both Edward and Jacob love Bella and while she loves Jacob as a dear friend, her heart belongs with Edward's. So Jacob loves Bella, Bella loves Edward, and vampire and werewolf are sworn enemies.

Anyways, what I find intriguing is the relationships Meyer has created between these characters. One of the things it makes you question involves what your preferences are when it comes to love/relationships. Do you prefer the infatuated-passionate-love-with-reckless-abandon-for-all-eternity relationship (Bella + Edward) or do you prefer the steadfast-unquestionable-ever evolving-exhilarating-but-calm relationship (Bella + Jacob)? Each one sounds pretty good, but the artist in me makes me partial to the Bella + Edward dynamic even though it's far fetched and somewhat unrealistic.

Thoughts?

Let's be frank...

2008-12-31T20:09:00.007-05:00

To be honest I've been a little down lately, and I can't say why, exactly. At first, I thought it was because I'm coming off of some anti-depressant medication, but after more consideration, I don't think that's the reason. I've been coming off of it for almost a month now and I've felt completely "normal" (if there is such a thing, as my high school lit teacher would say) and great. Maybe it's the holidays...maybe it's the 2 week down-time from work...maybe it's my recent bouts with some soul-searching...unanswered questions, frustrating dreams, lack of routine outside of school. Yeah, I'll chalk it up to those things.

On another note, I've been meaning to write about our faculty Christmas party which was a couple of weeks ago. It was fabulous, and being around co-workers OUTSIDE of our 4 walls was refreshing and healing. We become more than our job titles. Our staff is composed of a wide range of age and ethnic groups which is enlightening on many levels. During the past year & a half at S.P. working within the African American culture, I've discovered how much more open they are in some ways. I can't really find a word to describe it, so I'll use a few: fun, accepting, brave, willful, succinct. In short, there's a lot less bullshit :) and you are accepted for who you are, where you came from. Your past is relevant in that it makes you who you are today, and not in the sense that it can be used against you. There's little shame or doubt and much more determination to do the best with what you've got. I think this has made or is making me a stronger person, someone who is more confident about how I've come to be who I am...and who I am becoming.

Now, I'm not trying to dog on white people, but it is different. I think white culture is so much more uptight, for lack of a better word. There's so much anxiety, expectation, guilt, disappointment, self-loathing. I'm not saying those things don't exist in African American culture, but it doesn't seem as prominent.

So what am I saying? I guess I'm saying I appreciate those aspects of their culture. It's helping me evolve.

Drivin' that Train

2008-12-17T18:40:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I feel like a total schmo (define that as you please) for not posting anything in the past 2 months. I do, however, have legitimate reasons. First and foremost, I haven't had internet at home until very recently (try arguing with that one). Secondly, I've been dealing with a lot, including a move, an online course, and a puppy. So I'll break this up into categories for briefing, and more details will come later.

Move: I am, again, a resident of Riverside. I LOVE this area. Everything is within walking distance, the neighborhoods are old and therefore have tree-lined, canopied streets, and I'm only 3 miles from work. I'm in a quadriplex, and my 3 neighbors are great. I am eating up this whole living-alone-thing. I feel like I need this "selfish" me-time now more than ever.

Online course: Because I was a non-college-of-education major, I am required to take 15 credit hours of certain education courses. My cheapest option was through the University of Phoenix online. I just finished the first course (mind you, these are three-week, three credit hour courses. Ugh.). I'm all about teaching myself things, but I'm not all about paying $500+ to do that. Needless to say, I am not a fan, so far, of this whole online course thing. I'm not even sure why they have a professor facilitating it. They should just save themselves the money and have computer monitor your posts, entries, etc. It was cool getting to know some of the people, but I learn more by actually interacting with the students and professor(s).

Puppy: On Halloween, one of my 4th graders came to my room with a puppy hidden in his jacket. His homeroom teacher told him to put her back outside, but he came to me instead. He desperately wanted to keep her, but his mom wouldn't have it. So, I took her in. Samantha is about 3 months old now...I'm not sure if she's a rottie or a doberman or...? I guess it'll be a surprise. I've wanted a dog for a long time, and Sam seemed to just fall in my lap. It's fun having a puppy, but it's also teaching me a lot about patience that I haven't learned yet from teaching :) Imagine that.

More to come. And Uncle Pete, THANK YOU for keeping your blog up and running.

Close Calls

2008-10-08T20:06:00.003-04:00

Saturday night at Neptune Beach, 8:30pm:
Dylan and I were walking toward the shops/restaurant area of Neptune Beach when we heard a loud crash of glass, followed by yelling. To our right were two men (who looked like bums) in front of someone's house. My guess is that they threw something at the window. (Walking faster now.) Before I knew it, there were 2 police cars pulled up in front of the house. An officer immediately got out of his car with his gun cocked telling one of the guys to get down on the ground. The other man had hurried off down the street in the direction Dylan and I were headed. (Walking even faster, moving to the other side of the road.) "Get down on the ground or I'll put a bullet in your head!", yelled the officer. (Holy shit, we're going to get shot). "Where did your friend go? Huh?! WHERE IS HE??" The guy, now on the ground, must have mumbled something about Dylan and I because the next thing I heard was the cop yelling, "Who? The guy and the girl?! The guy and the girl?!" We were the only "guy and girl" in sight, so, thanks bum, for pinning it on us. It was at this point that the 2nd police officer came running towards Dylan and me, but thankfully, this officer was not as hyped up as his partner. He asked us to stop and Dylan informed him that the other guy had sneaked into the parking lot to our immediate right and was wearing a red shirt. Within 2 minutes, the cop found and cuffed him.

Today at school, 1:20pm:
It was an early release day, so I reported to my post at the bus port. Arriving before everyone else, I opened the back gates. Daycare vans also pick up students in this area, and usually, they're not even really "vans", rather an SUV or personal car. A junky, red, 2-door Ford Explorer pulled up just as I was opening the gate. Not recognizing this vehicle as a regular, I went over to the window to ask who they were here to pick up. To my surprise, there were two, middle-aged white men with scruffy beards, overalls, and worn baseball caps, one driving and one in the back seat. I'm sorry, but they looked like total rednecks.

As I approached the window, they didn't roll it down, Instead there was this awkward interaction of me waiting for the window to roll down and them making some hand gestures I didn't understand. I decided to walk away and leave them be when the man in the back seat knocked on the window and held his Jacksonville Sherriff's Office badge up to the glass. Finally, the driver rolled down the window and said, "We just need to sit here for a minute and look like we're doing something. We need to look busy." It was then that I looked out to the main street and saw some men walking by each other. Drug deal, maybe. Then he said, "And what're you doing out here? You don't someone to take you off the street!" I explained we were about to start dismissal and left it at that. They departed a few minutes later.

Today at school, 1:35pm:
Still at the bus port, I looked over to the street again to see some 4th grade walkers on their way down the sidewalk just outside the fence of our school. Before I knew it, 2 of the students starting throwing punches and kneeing each other in the stomach. I dropped everything--my walkie, notebook, etc.--and ran over to the fence to break it up. Before I could get there, they took off running down the street. I guess they weren't hurt enough to be unable to run home.

Argh.

Boys

2008-10-04T14:53:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, one of my 4th grade girls (let's call her Jada) came by to see me in the middle of the school day. I'm a little worried because these visits are becoming a habit. It all started2 weeks ago. This is the second year I've been teaching Jada, and I must note that she is one of my best students. I've never had any reason to reprimand her, no even for being too chatty. She had an outburst during class (after being provoked by another student) which involved her throwing a pencil across the room. I was very stern with her, mostly because I was shocked at her behavior, but also because she kept shrugging her shoulders when I'd ask her questions and then say, "I don't care". Grrrrr. Anyways, I kept her after class to discuss things one-on-one and she immediately burst into tears. Through her sobs, she explained that another student wouldn't leave her alone and was always making comments about her.

**Sidenote: Is there some psychological theory out there that explains the retarded-ness of the type of young boys who pick on girls to show affection? I know it all seems childish and simple, but even when I was Jada's age, I thought the whole I-like-you-so-I'm-going-to-make-your-life-miserable affection method was stupid. **

Anyways, we talked through the issue and got to the bottom of her out-of-character behavior. Progress. Since then, Jada has been coming to my room everytime someone is bothering her (hence the habit). When she showed up yesterday, she was wearing a jacket...a classmate's jacket...a boy classmate's jacket.

Oh my goodness, how the memories unfolded. I was immediately sucked back into the days of middle school when if a boy let you wear his sweatshirt or jacket, it meant he really liked you. (Well, that's how it was in my freakishly small private school.) I couldn't help but grin a little at the thought of such silliness. But it was a good silliness. And it intrigues me how seeing one of my girls wearing a boy's jacket triggered that particular memory which I haven't thought about in many, many years.

Recently

2008-09-28T18:41:00.006-04:00

Here are 2 images of a painting I started. I think I'm on to something, though I've thought that during the last 3 series I've tried to start. I'm going to stick this one out for at least 6 paintings. This involves some collage, watercolor, pencil and memories.

Untitled No. 1
-mixed media on BFK

Untitled No. 1 detail

Off Gassing

2008-09-20T18:10:00.002-04:00

The title of this post refers to a few things:

1. Has anyone else noticed the odor that emits from every Abercrombie and Fitch store, no matter what town, city, or state? I swear they pump their cologne through the vents, along with that god-awful techno music. I have never purchased anything from their stores and plan to keep it that way.

2. I've been eating Fiber One bars every morning. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. But, it's working.

3. I rode my bike about 16 miles today along the beaches. It was strange because as I passed through certain neighborhoods, there were waves of some smell that reminded me of old books. I love opening up an old book and smelling the pages. Uncle Paul, is this some chemical phenomenon?

4. I need to vent a little...orally. I'm tired, somewhat physically, but more so mentally.
I'm tired of feeling overly responsible for other people's feelings and then beating myself up for feeling that way, of having the pressure at work to make every single moment of teaching a lesson jam packed with excitement (I'm sorry, but like it or not, there are some concepts/skills that are just plain boring. It's like learning your multiplication tables: once you learned that, you could do pretty much anything in math.), of politicians who have never been educators spouting off "solutions to change and improve" our education system, and of bills. The end of no. 4.

Suggestions, anyone?: My co-worker and I are trying to come up with a story to base a Christmas-ish play from for our students. So far, we've considered The Clown of God and A Christmas Carol. We're finding road blocks with the former due to the fact that at the end of the story, the guy drops dead, and also, we'd need a killer student juggler to play the part.

Let me know if you think of any other well-known stories with a positive message.

Shrimp Fried Lice, anyone?

2008-09-08T22:39:00.004-04:00

For the record, I know that the title is culturally insensitive. Apologies.

But it almost perfectly describes my "almost meal" the other night... minus the "shrimp fried" part. And instead of lice it was flour beetles (which kinda look like lice). I've been having a dilemma with flour beetles for the past few months. It's a wonderful thing---opening up your airtight (I need bugtight, people) canister of flour only to find it contaminated with little red beetles. And then to find that the corn starch, bread crumbs, oatmeal, and any other grainy food have been infected too. I cleaned out and sprayed the pantry and let it sit empty for a while just to be sure they were all dead. No sign of them for weeks, until last night.

I was boiling rice and as I was stirring it, I noticed these dark specs rotating around. They ended up being bits of discolored rice...phew. And then I noticed some stringy white things. What was first thought to be some grainy residue from the rice ended up being flour beetle maggots (which were still alive, mind you). I quickly retrieved the bag of rice from the pantry and sure enough, there they were: many, many flour beetles wiggling between grains of uncooked rice. Fabulous.

So now I'm at a loss over a few things...
1. My rice had to be thrown away.
2. I don't know how to prevent or keep flour beetles from infesting my food.
3. Maggots are indestructible. Boiling water doesn't do the trick. Neither does muriatic acid, bleach, or other household chemicals. (I know the acid and bleach don't work because my mom and I had a bout with maggots years ago upon cleaning out a trash can in the garage)

I'm open to suggestions. I've been told that if the plant where the grain products were processed was infested, then the eggs/maggots/beetles are already present in the food when you purchase it. But I find it hard to believe that several of the grain products I have bought and or replaced over the past few months are all infested.

Yum.

Explorations in Common Sense

2008-09-08T15:41:00.003-04:00

The title of this post should be the name of a professional development workshop provided by Duval County for teachers needing just that...common sense. I often find that the frustrating things that happen with adults during the school day have much to do with lack of this much valued characteristic. As a joke, if someone would do something stupid, my mom would tap her index finger to her head and say "Kidneys!" That's what I felt like doing today to a co-worker, only my common sense stopped me from causing an argument. Or I could have said "Did you grow up in a mayonnaise jar?" as my high school history teacher said many a time. I won't get into the dumb details of the situation. So that's all.

On another note, school is going well (still!!). Hooray! I have my challenging classes, but overall it is a completely different experience from last year. Oh a whim, I came up with this little song and dance about line variety (zigzag, wavy, vertical, broken, horizontal, etc) for my 1st and 2nd graders. It involves some singing, clapping, and wiggling. The kids love it more than I thought they would. This is good news for me because they're having fun AND memorizing the names and directions of lines. Woot. When you're so focused on a high-structure classroom management plan, it is easy to forget that acting silly and nutty can be one of the best ways to engage everyone.

That's all for now.

Catalyst

2008-08-31T16:34:00.004-04:00

Over the past two days, I've been pondering the following: When do or what makes your "true colors" shine (for lack of a better phrase). When do you feel like your core is stimulated? This is the conclusion I have come to so far for myself:

1. When the opportunity to give presents itself: this could be when someone needs a leg-up financially, emotionally, professionally, etc. This is something that has been ingrained in me by my parents and grandparents. For example, my grandparents paid for the hospital bill during one of my mom's pregnancies. When my dad contested, my grampa simply explained that this was an opportunity for him to give. He didn't want to be paid back but instead wanted my parents to help another person in the same way when the time came. And pass the deed on from there.

2. When I'm jogging: I become the most stubborn individual when I'm jogging. If I have a set destination in mind before the cool-down, I MUST reach it...no excuses. It's a little nutty, the thoughts that go through my head when feeling like I want to stop jogging. It's probably a good thing that no one can read my mind. Under no circumstances will I allow myself to stop jogging to rest a few minutes and then start again. In my determined mind, that's a cop out.

3. When I feel ripped off or like some injustice has been done: I magically become assertive in these situations. I suddenly have no problem speaking my mind and letting the other person know that I won't settle for bullshit. Right is right. LB, remember that time in JCPenny's with the gift card?

Anyways, what about you?

First Full Week = Success

2008-08-29T13:59:00.003-04:00

I don't have much to report other than the fact that this week has, overall, gone amazingly well at school. I hit a couple rough spots, but I am really optimistic about the students' behavior this year. So far, I've been able to start out firm which is something I didn't do last year.

And my sister, Laura, is coming to visit her friend in Jacksonville this weekend, but we will get to spend some time together. I can't wait to pick her up from the airport!!!

Top 3 for the week:
1. I asked my kindergarteners what an artist's job is. One little girl said, "They make sculptures!" which totally blew me away.

2. As I was leaving work last night, a co-worker needed her car jump-started. Thankfully, I had just dealt with my battery needing jumped so I was able to help her promptly. I suppose things do happen for a reason.

3. My cousin, Katie, sent me a picture of her son, Luke, holding an over-sized clothespin after my previous "Unspectacular Quirks" post. Katie, that made my flippin' day :)

Have a look see

2008-08-26T21:14:00.004-04:00

I feel obligated to fulfill the duties tagged upon me by kitkat, so here goes. I'm not sure all of these would be considered "quirky".

6 Unspectacular Quirks:

1. I still wear my post-braces retainer from the 10th grade. No, it is not the same exact retainer, but he point is that I still wear one every night. It makesth me feel vewy foolisth sthometimesth.

2. I have a thing for over-sized, everyday objects. I think it all started with being exposed to Claes Oldenburg's sculptures. They're so cheesy, but I love them. I currently want some over-sized clothespins for my classroom.

3. The only time I comb my hair is when I'm in the shower. Why brush curly hair when you don't have to? Well, maybe other people think it needs brushed. Oh well.

4. I am awful at maintaining CDs. They are horribly scratched because I just don't care enough to put them away. Even if I buy a new CD and vow to myself that I will keep it in perfect condition, it normally ends up in the pile of CDs in my middle console.

5. I still use my fingers to count while adding and subtracting.

6. I'm anal about how dishes are placed in the dishwasher or in my case, the drying rack. If someone did it "wrong", I will re-organize it by size, shape, color, whatever.

LB, RamseyDays, SurvivinginSafetyHarbor, FamilyLifewithElevenKids!, CoffeeTimes...it's your turn.

Here are the directions:
1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them & leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they have been tagged.

Ball o' Stress

2008-08-25T15:34:00.006-04:00

I suppose it all started with the dream I had last night. In it, I was attending my yoga class (which I haven't been to for 2 weeks); because I got there early, I laid out my mat and towel to save my spot. I walked out of the studio for about 5 minutes to take care of some registration issue/payment, and upon returning, there was some man using my mat and towel. Now, if you've ever done power vinyasa yoga, you know that you sweat profusely. Sharing a mat is not really an option. I explained to this imposter that he was using my mat and that he needed to move somewhere else. He had already sweat several puddles on my mat and the surrounding floor area. He refused to move and responded with a juvenile, "Well, you weren't here. YOU find another place". Argh! But this was MY STUFF! I kept on about it but he continued to refuse to move and instead just laid down so that there was no way I could move my mat. I remember feeling extremely aggravated and annoyed in my dream. I was baffled as to how this grown person was acting so childish and inconsiderate. How dare he invade not only my personal space/posessions, but also the one thing that I truly felt was mine: practicing yoga. I also remember not wanting to cause a scene.

And today was my first day of classes with my students. I have a killer schedule...and I don't mean "killer" like "awesome", I mean killer like "deadly":) Between 8:45am and 1:25pm, I see 6 different classes non-stop, give or take a 5 minute break in between. Lunch isn't until 1:25, and then I have 1st grade at the end of the day. As the chairperson of the scheduling committee, I am responsible, mostly, for the resource schedule this year. But I don't recall it being that loony. I don't recall NOT having planning time at all. I'm wondering where/when the change occurred. Alas, I am not the administration and they have the final say on what goes and what doesn't. I am truly hoping that I will adjust. It does make the day fly, though.

Though today went well with my students, I have to say I'm feeling a little down. And I can't put my finger on "why" exactly. Maybe it's because I've spent all summer being hyped-up about how great this year will be and then I was incredibly nervous today. Maybe it's because I've set really high expectations for myself and my students and am putting the pressure on too strong. Maybe it's because the new vice principal makes me really uneasy. Or maybe it's because some doofus is using my yoga mat without permission and sweating all over it.

Whatever the reason, please send me some uplifting vibes. Lord knows, I need 'em.

Anticlimactic

2008-08-21T22:53:00.003-04:00

Fay + first week of school = 2 days of school, 3 days off, and some heavy wind and rain.

As my dad said, "I've seen thunderstorms worse than this!", and as Lt. Dan says on Forest Gump, "You call this a storm?!?!" I must admit that I am happy about the 3 days off this week. I spent so much time during pre-planning making my room look presentable (not to toot my own horn, but my room looks pretty awesome this year) and helping with other things around the school that my actual lesson planning suffered. This gives me the time I need to really get it organized. On the other hand, I have yet to see my students. Resource was supposed to begin on Wednesday. I had all this excited/nervous energy built up for that day and then poof, it's gone. I'm sure it'll all come back on Monday.

I'm at a loss over what else to write about....being in the house so much over the past three days has made my brain like jelly. I'm resorting to a "Likes" and "Dislikes" list...

Likes:
-birthday cake flavored ice cream with multi-colored sprinkles
-objects that are oversized (like jumbo clothespins, paperclips, or calculators. I know, it's weird).
-the color green
-this artist's work
-staying up late and sleeping in
-goldendoodles
-journals without lines

Dislikes:
-okra
-rude retail workers
-Hummers (and possibly the people who drive them)
-the sound of plastic bags rustling
-cockroaches
-Cameron Diaz
-gloomy weather (I don't know how you northerners do it)

How do you know the summer is really and truly over?

2008-08-10T21:10:00.003-04:00

Two things:

1. Today was my last, official day of summer break.

2. Remember the Nickelodeon television series, "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"? I'd like to recall one part of a particular episode where Artie and little Pete beat up the ocean because they're upset that summer is over. This pretty much describes how I feel about the break ending. You can watch this from the beginning up to minute 1:45 to understand what I'm talking about.

"The future is no place to place your better days."

2008-08-09T01:11:00.003-04:00

My yoga practice today was rough, more from a mental than a physical standpoint. Within the hour, I only felt truly present for maybe a whole 2 minutes. This showed in my posture; I was wobbling all over the place, losing balance, falling. When I resumed my practice on Tuesday (after the week-long visit home), it almost felt "easy". I left the studio deciding that I was ready to push myself to the next level...stretch a little farther, widen the base, hold longer. So that's what I did the next day and it felt great to up the ante. But today made me feel like I'd taken 5 steps backwards. I suppose I have much weighing in my mind. Still, I can normally focus on the "now" for the majority of the hour.

One really great thing happened though at the close of our session. After our Shavasana we end each class with 3 "Om" chants. Before doing this, the instructor told us to keep our eyes closed and truly feel the energy of the others in the room. Before I knew it, I had goosebumps all over my body; it was this amazing rush of...something...I'm not sure what to call it. No, I wasn't cold---the room is 90 degrees, remember? Anyways, it happened a couple times within the space between Shavasana and our Oms. I felt present then, and almost like crying.

I want to go again tomorrow and see what a Saturday class is like. Hopefully, I'll be more focused.

Being read to

2008-08-08T00:14:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling a little brain dead. Maybe it's my constant fluctuation between being excited about the new school year but disappointed that my abundance of "free time" is coming to an end. Maybe it's because I painted a little today but feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Or maybe it's because within the past few days, I have listened to two James Patterson novels via audio-book, each one about 7 discs long, each one a murder/mystery/thriller, each one keeping me good and awake during my travels to April's wedding, and then to and from work.

I admit it: I used to get so annoyed when I'd plop in the car with my dad and he'd have some audio-book blaring, right smack in the middle of it, with me having no idea what was going on and not wanting to know and him in another world, listening intently to every detail. But now I can say that I understand the appeal of listening to books while driving. It literally makes the time fly by and it's entertaining. That being said, I have to acknowledge that I can't give James Patterson two thumbs up. His stories are very predictable in every way possible...even down to the aesthetic descriptions; each one is just as cheesy as the last. It's always something like, "He felt the warm breeze caress his face, and it reminded him of happier days with Christine, when she would cup his cheeks in her hands." You get the idea. As my friend April says, it makes you want to write things like "Gag me!" or "What crap!" in the margin. Only, you can't inscribe such things into an audio book.

Speaking of April, it was so great to see her last weekend. The last time we visited was during a show in Soho that featured some of my Italy paintings. That was over a year ago. One of the many things I love about April is that no matter how long its been, since seeing or talking to each other, I feel that our connection never wavers. It's similar to visiting family; you pick up in the present and there's no need for "I'm so sorry I haven't called/written" etc. The wedding was very low-key yet elegant and beautiful. It felt calm and comfortable. April, being the sensitive and wonderful person that she is, made everyone feel very much a part of the day. She customized the bridesmaids' bouquets by selecting different flowers for each of us based on symbolism with our personalities. Her bouquet was composed of all of our flowers (how cool!!). Come to think of it, she customized everything making it all very welcoming, unique, and just very "April" :) Anyways, it was great to get to know her family and friends and to be a part of her and Jonathan's day.
Much more to write about my visit home. Until then.

Trivial

2008-07-31T22:52:00.002-04:00

Some things that have been on my mind lately, most of which I don't understand and most of which are trivial:

1. Why and how RadioShack is still in business. I'm not seeing the demand for a store that solely sells electronics and a Mickey Mouse phone here and there. Oh, and it has always been my experience, no matter what store or in what state, that the employees are annoyingly sarcastic...as opposed to funny sarcastic. They truly are the poster child for "Sarcasm is just one more free service we offer".

2. How athletes can complete a triatholon (particularly in the Olympic trials) without dying. Swimming to biking to running without stopping, ever?? Madness.

3. Joan Rivers' face.

4. Why Red Robin advertises in Florida when they have no locations here...same goes for Jack in the Box or as LB calls it, Death in the Box.

5. Why there are an abundance of nail places, sometimes more than one per plaza.

6. The fact that esurance.com advertises that because they are an online business entity, they are environmental...because they don't use paper.

7. Tyra Banks' show = a TV version of a tabloid.

That's all...fow now. Feel free to add.

The SRQ

2008-07-30T10:47:00.006-04:00

I'm spending a few days visiting my parents before heading up to Hernando for April's wedding events this weekend. It's nice to be home and it's nice to be at a point in my life where I relate to my mom and dad not only as "parents" but also as people/friends/lifelong companions. I've felt this way about my relationship with my parents for a few years now, but the excitement of this aspect of our relationship never ceases to be refreshing. And I am exceedingly thankful. I spend most of the day-time with my mom (the morning person) and most of the evening/late night with my dad (Mr. John-Bauer-time. Go here if you want more info on JB time).

Yesterday, Mom and I spent hours sipping coffee and mulling over the woes of the education system (or issues at our respective schools), coming up with solutions, and laughing about some of the bullshit that occurs. We didn't change the problems of the world, but it felt good to get it all out on the table. I spent another 2 hrs. picking her brain over classroom procedures for my students this coming year. I have faith that my new plans will work, but sometimes I start to worry about this coming year...I cannot have a repeat of last year, student-behavior-wise, for their sake and for mine. I am hoping that having one year of teaching under my belt will make me more prepared. I suppose I need to tell the Capricorn in me to shut-up when it comes to expecting absolute perfection, especially in a classroom of 20+ students. Don't get me wrong, I expect great things and strive for that, but everything won't be wonderful all the time.

Anyways, that's it for now.

ps-does anyone understand the "Q" in "SRQ"? There are no areas in Sarasota County that start with a Q.

In Passing

2008-07-27T23:54:00.006-04:00

While riding my bike around the beaches yesterday, I came across a garage sale in Ponte Vedra so I stopped to take a look. I noticed a lot of painting supplies for sale and asked the lady attending to the items who it all belonged to. She introduced me to her daughter who used to be a painting student at UNF, so we started talking about professors and whatnot. We studied under many of the same. The impression I got was that this girl has stopped painting (thus the selling of the supplies); I wanted to ask why but figured that would be nosy. Anyways, I came away with a few items either I or my students can use for still-life AND she gave me (FOR FREE) a sweet drawing table! It is adjustable so that you can lay the drawing surface flat or at an angle. Flippin' awesome.

Speaking of not painting, that's something I haven't done this summer as much as anticipated. My mental reason for not painting has switched from "Ahhhh! I don't know what to paint! I'm having a block!" to "Meh, I don't really feel like it". Fear to Laziness (both equal forms of resistance). I started a series several weeks ago. Two of them are shown below and the third is still sitting on my easel halfway there. I can't really put my finger on what this is all about at this point in time. I normally have a better idea of what a series means or doesn't mean after I have "completed" it. I have inklings of where this is going or what it is based on, but it is still fluid. I suppose interpretations are always fluid.
I'm not expecting anyone to critique these but if you have a comment, have at it. They're posted here more for my own records.

Read me.

2008-07-16T22:20:00.001-04:00

I was going to rant and rave about this book and how much I love it, but I've decided not to. And then I was going to talk about my spirituality at this point in my life (maybe in another post, at a later date). But I am too tired to do either of those things. I will say that this is one of the best books I have read in a while AND that if you are interested in reading a semi-autobiographical book about a woman who gets divorced, suffers from major depression and anxiety, travels to Italy, India, and Indonesia in pursuit of pleasure, devotion, and love, then have at it.

I know this is a really sorry excuse for a post, but I'm at a loss for what to write about at this moment.

In short, read this book. It's pretty flippin' sweet.

Namaste

2008-07-15T23:05:00.003-04:00

I recently signed up for yoga classes at a local studio. This is something I have been wanting to do for years...ever since my first experience with kitkat...but it wasn't feasible as a college student to pay an extra $50+ per month for a membership somewhere. I am finally in a position, financially, to do this so I joined this studio thanks to my friend, Jennah. The yoga at this particular studio is based off of a practice developed by Baron Baptiste called Power Vinyasa Yoga. You can read all about it if you so desire.

The room is heated to 90 degrees and for 60 minutes, the instructor talks you through a series of poses and breathing, more poses and more breathing, high push-ups, low push-ups (which all have fancy names), up and downward facing dog, etc. Sometimes the instructor will come over to adjust my positioning, which usually involves my hips needing to be pulled up, and I'm starting to feel like I have heavy hips. They just kind of sink! So I'm trying to work on that. I finally got up into a bridge yesterday with the help of the teacher (LB, I haven't done one of these since 2nd grade gymnastics). While doing this, I felt my body open up---like I could breathe more freely. Pretty amazing.

I am loving these classes; they are intense but relaxing at the same time and it really gives me time completely for myself. What I love most is that yoga provides a living/breathing example of the fact that the only obstacle in my life is myself. If I feel uncertain or wobbly or in pain during a pose, it is because of me and no one else (if I feel anxious or unsure in life situations, it is because of me and my perspective). Sure, there are external factors that affect me, but it is my approach that can change these feelings. (I think I'm getting too philosophical)

There are moments when I can completely focus on balance and control of the movements with breath, and there are other times where my brain and my body aren't in sync, causing a lot of wobbling and shaking, and then thinking "When the hell are we going to get out of this pose?" :) It's like switching from left-brain to right-brain mode. Believe it or not, you sweat profusely during this practice...in fact, I've never sweat this much in my life during a work out. Can anyone remember the last time their shins sweat? :)

Backstory: The Clincher

2008-07-11T19:50:00.003-04:00

In previous posts, I had mentioned the beginnings of the after-school arts program (we have yet to come up with an official name). There were many people involved in this program, but my co-worker, Carissa, and I spearheaded it. When we met with our school donors to propose the program, we received a rather skeptical response: the word "ambitious" was used a lot which was understandable from their end (they were about to give quite a bit of money for a 30-day program) but somewhat frustrating from ours. Carissa and I knew we would pull it off...somehow. Anyways, they approved our proposal and so it went...we had ballet, African drumming, drama, and painting/drawing available to any and all 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders who were interested. Typing it out does make it seem a bit ambitious. I ended up with about 12 students in painting and drawing.

It was after the beginning of this program that I had accepted the position at the private school; but this after-school thing started to grow on me. Sure, there were still behavior issues and all that garbage, but for the most part, my students were focused, serious, concentrated, and consequently produced these amazing pieces of art. I started thinking, "If I could only make my regular, daily art classes like this, I'd be so much happier teaching." I started feeling really attached to this program because I saw the potential of these students coming to fruition, not just in my section, but in ballet, drama, etc. We were tapping into something.

At the end of the 30 days, we had our big showcase: Carissa's students performed their play, "Another Cinderella", the ballet students did their routine as did the African drummers, and my kids had an art show. We hung their work, which I announced was for sale, in our auditorium (which, by the way, for an elementary school is highly equipped...the stage is phenomenal with lighting, lush curtains, storage, sound board. It's pretty sweet.) I can't really explain how phenomenal every student did in their respective fields other than by explaining people's reactions.

1. We had more parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, whoever show up to this event than any other event SP has ever had. Seeing parents in the audience, intently watching their children, was so heart-warming.

2. This was the very first school assembly during which EVERY SINGLE STUDENT was respectful...I mean completely focused and delighted by what they were experiencing. There was no talking, ridiculing, pushing, shoving, or any other nonsense.

3. The chairperson of the foundation got up at the end of the showcase to say a few words and actually shed some tears. I was watching him during the play, ballet, etc., and he was literally on the edge of his seat the entire time. I can't recall everything he said, but he explained to our audience that this is the perfect example of why he chooses to donate his money to inner-city schools/organizations rather than hospitals or universities. He said he wished all those people who doubted his faith in our school could've been there to witness such dedication and talent.

4. Any teacher Carissa and I saw after that showcase said things like, "That was phenomenal" or "In the 20 years I've been at this school, I've never seen anything like this" or "How can I help next year?" or "The kids LOVED it!".

5. Any student Carissa and I saw after that showcase asked us what we'd be doing for next year's program? How can they be involved? When does it start?

6. Each of my painting/drawing students sold one or more pieces of art work and were able to keep the money they earned for themselves. This baffled them, and I'll let you use your imagination as to how excited they were.

I'll stop at 6 because this post is getting too long and could very well go on forever. This event made me truly question my decision to leave SP. All this potential, support, the beginnings of something those kids so desperately need, parent involvement (finally!!), the opportunity to help build such a program and incorporate it into everyday classes.

It felt like a completely different school during that half hour showcase...and I mean COMPLETELY different, like we weren't some poor school in the ghetto of Jacksonville with shootings in the neighborhoods (which did happen during the show, apparently). "Transcend" would be a good word. So, this all played a part in my decision to stay at SP, knowing that everyday will not be fun or easy or stress-free, but an event like that showcase made it all worth it. I feel like Carissa and I laid a foundation for some changes, and I want to see where it goes from here.

"Saddle up, partner"

2008-07-10T16:19:00.003-04:00

Since school let out, I haven't been keeping myself to any particular schedule (other than sleeping in). Back in May, I was pondering my plans for the summer which included ambitious things like, "I'll get a part time job waiting tables or something so that I can a) keep myself busy/productive and b) make some extra money." I am unashamed to say that I did no such thing and have been content with awaking when I feel like it, sitting on the beach, painting, and reading. Sometimes I feel juvenile: I am an adult who still gets a 2 month summer vacation. But then I remember how insane teaching can be, and I get over it. Speaking of teaching, in the end, I decided to stay at my current school for reasons to be explained in another post.

On Tuesday, I returned from visiting my sister, Laura, in Austin, TX. It's true, I thought Austin would be flat and desert-ish with some tumbleweeds blowing across the parched land. I can't say I would have minded finding some cow skull on the side of the road and bringing it home to set up a still-life (can you get through airport security with a cow skull?). It turns out Austin is none of these things as it is full of rolling hills, greenery, lakes, and a thriving downtown area...not to mention limestone which is frickin' EVERYWHERE. One of the things I loved most about the city is its dedication to local businesses, especially when it comes to restaurants. It was refreshing to not see Applebees, Chilis, Olive Garden, Carabbas, Moe's, Panera, etc. Instead, it's very authentic and yummy. And I've never seen so many young couples + babies in one place. I'm certain I will go back many times. It was a fabulous visit thanks to Laura.

My journey home involved a connecting flight from Raleigh to Jax, and after being stuck in the Raleigh airport for 6hrs. and 30 minutes, I can honestly say that it is the most boring airport I have ever been to...or rather, stuck in. There's nothing except TVs that blare CNN's news which is completely sensationalized and ridiculous.

Example: They were talking about the recent salmonella outbreak with tomatoes and peppers, raving that the FDA has "NO idea where the problem is coming from". The headline on the screen said, in big bold letters, "FDA FAILS YOU!!!" This made me laugh. Oh, Vee, where are you when we need you?

What was supposed to be a 2hr. layover kept increasing to a 3, 4, 5, and 6+ hr. layover for God only knows what reason. Thankfully, I did make it back to Jax that night around midnight.

I'm back on the blog train, so more to come. Kitkat, thanks for the virtual kick.

Whaddya think?

2008-06-06T10:22:00.003-04:00

Do you think you're an old soul or young soul? Or neither?

Sittee

2008-06-05T12:16:00.002-04:00

12.31.1920---05.31.2008

My Sittee passed away on Saturday, so I flew up to Pittsburgh on Monday, went to the wake on Tuesday, the funeral Wednesday and flew back that evening. I remember vividly where I was on the highway when my dad called with the news, just as I can easily recall where I was when word came that my Grampa died this past Christmas Eve. All the emotion and tears didn't hit me though until Tuesday afternoon when Sittee's brothers pulled up to the house. Hearing their voices, their laughs, seeing their twinkly eyes (yes, Sitt's eyes had a twinkle) is what broke me down. The reality seemed to set in after that point. We stayed at her house (the house my mom grew up in) which she and Papa proudly built, decorated, maintained, etc. That house is very much attached to my memories of Sitt as we would stay there every summer for a couple weeks. Everything was there, in its place, except for her. It's almost an eerie feeling.

I loved her for many reasons, but especially for her steadfastness and sense of humor; the woman could spit nails if she wanted to. My most prominent memories of her include some of the following:

Phrases like:
-"I don't give a damn-shit!"
-"Blow it out your ass!" (this was always said after being beeped at while driving)
-"They're ignorant."

Things like:
-her amazing cooking, especially her spaghetti and meatballs that were always prepared upon our arrival
-her ability to consume an entire rum cake, by herself
-her laugh...her whole body laughed
-her hugs and kisses
-times she taught me how to knit and crochet
-how she always wore HushPuppies shoes
-how her knee-high stockings would always be down near her ankles
-how she would give my dad hell for not putting up Christmas lights at the Maple St. house
-how she would let out the loudest farts while walking around the kitchen and blame them on my Uncle Tom's dog, Sassy, even after Sassy had died.

Places like:
-the Christmas Store (open year-round. it was tradition for us to go and buy ornaments together)
-her house
-her yard: the mint garden, the flowers, the maple trees

There's much more, but I'm drained. More posts later...

This time last year...

2008-05-26T21:27:00.006-04:00

Part I

It has become a tradition for the Bauer-side of the family to gather at my parents' house on Memorial Day (or the day before) for food, fun, laughs, brutal sarcasm, etc. This year, they took a break for various reasons, but I'd like to give a shout out to my dad who I love very dearly. Below is a photo of him from Memorial Day last year. Yes, that's right---he is, indeed, vacuuming the grill with a ShopVac. I love this picture for many reasons, but especially because it demonstrates my dad's intentions to be economical, no matter what the circumstance. Vacuuming rather than scraping saves time and kinetic energy, all the while getting bang for your buck with the ShopVac's versatility.

Part II

My friendships with girls/women/females over the years have perplexed me as I can never seem to maintain a close friendship. Over time, I have considered that my expectations for friendship are too high, or my definition differs, or I attach myself too soon to a person and then am easily disappointed with their "shortcomings". I can look back at situations and realize where things went astray, whether it was me digging myself my own hole, or just plain old-fashioned growing apart, or realizing months later that my first impression of the person was accurate.

For whatever reason over the past few months, I have been contemplating this issue more frequently. I won't go into ALL the aspects of my personality of which I am self-aware, but I will say that I realize it takes me a while (a long while) to truly open up to someone; and when I finally do, it is in cautious little pieces. Call this a trust issue, if you want. I'm still trying to figure it out. Anyways, this time last year, Becca (pictured above) came with me to our annual family Memorial Day celebration. We had become very close friends after working together for 2 years at UNF, visiting grad schools together in NC, and planning a trip to Europe to name a few.

It has been about a year since I last spoke with Becca: there was no dramatic fall-out or concrete reason (from what I can gather) for the deterioration of our friendship. Sometimes, I wish there had been some ridiculous argument....something...because it was like one day, everything stopped for no apparent reason. Despite trying to discuss it a few times, Becca dismissed the idea and that was that.

I sat with my thumb up my butt for a while, wondering what the hell happened and how all that time and energy invested in this great thing just seemed to disappear without a second thought on the other person's end. I try not to let experiences like this sway me from creating new friendships, but it's hard. In my bitter state, I notice myself getting annoyed with people (girls, in particular) who have that bond. Juvenile, I know, but I can't help it at this point.

So, I don't really have a point to all of this, other than this time last year, I was hangin' with Becca talking about the place we were going to move into and our plans for Europe. To be cliche, it's funny how much changes in a year.

Jot

2008-05-10T09:07:00.002-04:00

Laura, I'm stealing your little sub-heading format just this once :)

Adventures in...no more baby-sitting:
During my absence from the blog world, much has happened, the most prominent being that I accepted a teaching position at a private school in Orange Park. Check out their killer website at www.sjcds.net This position is for Grades 4-8 which excites me; I used to think that I would never teach middle school, but after teaching K-5, I've found that the wee ones (PreK, K, 1, and 2, specifically) are not my forte...not 25 to 28 of them at once + paint, anyways. Because this new school is K-12, I will be working with 3 other art teachers (awesome support group). I think I may go through reverse culture shock as this new school is the complete opposite of SP. I have my moments of feeling guilty about leaving SP...really guilty...I adore some of the people I work with there, especially my principal. And I have grown attached and feel somewhat responsible for my students. However, I know this is a good move for me professionally in the long run; I will be doing much more teaching instead of disciplining...more art, less baby-sitting. If I stayed at SP, it'd be because I felt like I SHOULD and not necessarily because I WANT to. In some ways, I feel that if I stayed at SP, I would get lazy since the arts are not taken very seriously. Still feeling guilty though :P

After-School Arts Program:
So far, I have 12 students participating in the painting and drawing portion of the program. We've had 6 sessions together, and it's great! Sure, we had a rocky start, but once we received the shipment of art supplies (easels, charcoal, drawing paper, pastels, colored pencils, and much more) the kids began to take things more seriously. I cannot really explain the satisfaction I get walking around our little art studio, watching the progress of their charcoal drawings from the still-life in the center of the room. The principal stopped by one evening to see the progress. He was in awe of how focused the students were and how great their drawings looked. Then he said, "This is the perfect way for me to end my day. I needed to see this." which made me feel really purposeful. It's good for the kids to see that someone (like the principal) notices and appreciates their talent.

In other news:
---> One of my fifth graders groped me last Thursday, completely on purpose and with a smile...which made me feel ill. He was suspended for a whole day. I think that's too fierce a punishment, don't you? Good lord.

---> Last weekend, Dylan began teaching me how to surf. I actually stood up a few times! But I'm having trouble with the whole getting-off-the-board-once-the-wave-breaks maneuver. It was a perfect learning day as the waves were very small and manageable. This is a big deal to me because I have a minor fear of water....being under it, to be more specific. Swimming near the Atlantic has helped cure some of the fears though. Anyways, I'm excited to go out and try again.

---> I'm a slacker for not keeping up with my posts.

14 days 'til summer break :)

Ground Control

2008-04-28T20:39:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, Dylan and were at Rita's getting custard. The people in line before us had a little dog with them which looked like a mix between a French bulldog and David Bowie. See below for my make-shift representation of the dog. We asked the couple if the dog's name was Bowie. It took them a minute to compute, but when they did, they busted out laughing and said, "No. His name is Dean", or something like that.

(+)

(=)

How could you not name it Bowie?

Blue...with encaustic

2008-04-21T19:40:00.006-04:00

The art supply store down the road is having a "Moving Sale", so I decided to take a look. I came out of there buying two things, 1 lb. of beeswax and a tube of titanium white, neither of which were part of the sale, but oh well. For a few weeks, I have been wanting to try my hand at encaustic painting, thus the beeswax. From what little understanding I have, there are a few ways to work with the encaustic process, and I chose to melt the wax and combine it with some oil paint. Mostly, I want to use this for texture purposes; it will take me a while to manipulate it for "paint" application purposes.

Anyways, I have never been a huge fan of painting in oils unless portraiture is involved; my heart lies (lays? kitkat, which one?) with acrylics because of their immediacy. Plus, I feel that I was never taught how to use oils properly. A few years ago, my grampa gave me his easel, some canvases, and his paint bin which is packed with various oil paints, solvents, and brushes. He painted for many years (in fact, my first painting lesson was with him), but he decided to stop after Parkinson's limited his dexterity. I felt and still feel privileged to have these things handed down to me as there are several other artistic folk in the family. Whenever we discussed painting, he would always say, "I'm not a creative person. I'm good at copying, but I don't have an artist's creativity." I felt this way about myself during most of my college years. It has only been within the past year that I've started to tap into creativity, or so I hope.

Not really knowing what I was doing, I began melting some of the beeswax to experiment. Out of the hall closet I retrieved grampa's art bin for some of my oil paints, opened it, and had to stop for a minute. It's funny how certain smells open floodgates of memories...smells of this art bin provoked a mixture of memories: from the way my grampa would leave his brushes soaking in turpentine by the kitchen sink in his NC home to the way the painting studio smelled my second semester of freshman year at UNF...Painting Fundamentals with Prof. G (I hated that class). It's also funny how objects gain even more importance once that person is no longer around. It's almost like an artifact that shouldn't be disturbed. I managed to get my oil paints and continue my experiment, which was most definitely an experiment...in the name of art. I have a long way to go with encaustic.

So, I'm feeling rather blue today. Memories are wonderful things, but they can be bittersweet. On top of that, I found out today that Sittee, my mom's mom, has cancer which has spread to her spinal cord and brain.

There is this inevitable truth that people die...their bodies fail. And though we know the end will come, it's still so hard to accept when it comes to fruition. I truly believe that we are spiritual beings in a physical world, which is mind boggling. If we aren't spiritual beings housing souls within these physical forms, then we wouldn't mind hanging out with dead bodies all the time. It is the soul that gives the body life and personality.

Anyhow, what do you think?

blah.

Toppers

2008-04-11T22:41:00.005-04:00

My top 3 for the week...

1. Today, one of my fifth graders informed me of the following: "Ms. B, instead of sayin' the 'n' word, we say 'ninja!', and if someone be actin' a snitch, we tells 'em, 'Man, you be actin' so white!'" ::sigh:: Just wanted to keep everyone up to date with the lingo.

2. I found a tiny, baby snapper turtle on the floor in my classroom; I left for about 5 minutes to run an errand, and upon my return, I saw it crawling across the art studio floor. Random. I'm just glad I didn't step on it! One of the ESE teachers decided to keep him as a class pet. They named it Franklin.

3. About 21 students signed up for the after-school art program :)

Side-note to No. 2: When my oldest sister was young, she had a pet turtle. My mom read that turtles need a certain amount of sunlight for their health. So, she plopped Merrill's turtle atop the fence, belly-up. Now, I'm not really sure if mom forgot or read incorrectly about how much sunlight was needed, but basically, Merrill's turtle bit the dust atop that fence post. Too MUCH sun, as it turns out, will cook a turtle. This has been a family joke for as long as I can remember.

Several years later, Merrill's co-workers (knowing this whole story) bought her a pair of baby turtles as a gift. She kept them together in a tank at my parents' house. The tank had some fake palm trees, a few rocks, filter, dirty water, you get the idea. I will never forget Merrill calling me one morning during my freshman year in college, half laughing, half crying. She managed to whimper out that one of her baby turtles had died. Unsure how to react, I suppressed my giggles so as not to seem insensitive until she let out a laugh. Then, I couldn't help myself. "But it's NOT FUNNY!", she squeaked. Merrill went on to explain that it seemed as if this turtle had gotten caught beneath the tower of rocks and stones causing him to be water logged...and as she described, the body was bloated with water from being stuck.

Now, I know it seems cruel to make a joke of this, but honestly, how many people can say they lost two pet turtles in their lifetime: one to overheating and one to drowning? Fire and water? Honestly. Anyhow, a year or so later, she let the remaining turtle go into the wild. I hope it survived, but I'm not sure how turtles make the transition from having tasty shrimp flakes magically appear to finding their own food :)

Cheers.

Perfect Strangers

2008-04-06T19:19:00.006-04:00

Don't worry. I'm not talking about that awesome show from the late '80s to early'90s (and by awesome I mean LAME). I remember watching that show quite a bit when I was young. What I cannot remember is if those viewings were voluntary or just out of boredom.

No matter...

I was at the laundry mat today writing lesson plans while waiting for clothes to dry. It was particularly slow, for a Sunday, as there was only one other person around. Without any introduction or greeting, this elderly gentleman approached me and asked the following question: "If a man is starving, and he has a family to feed, and he robs a bank in order to feed his family, do you think it's cruel to put him in jail?" Not exactly your typical conversation-starter, eh? I was a little skeptical about where this conversation was going or WHY this conversation was started, but it ended up intriguing me. I won't go through all the details, but some of the points this man, Ken, hit on were illegal immigration, the North American Union (which I admit, I know little about), the education system, and religion. Sounds pretty heavy for laundry conversation. Normally, I get annoyed with people when they bring up such issues because most of the time, I find their arguments lacking what is most important: critically thought-out logical arguments. Ken didn't seem to be lacking in this regard, so I continued to listen.

He explained that he considers himself a revolutionary/idealist/activist, and that in order for our country to truly change, there has to be a sincere, action-based effort from the American people. Scenes from the film V for Vendetta (one of my favorite movies) flashed through my head (minus all the killing and masks). Ken reminisced about the time of the Vietnam War and the protests that followed...how dedicated people were to their causes. For years, I have felt that when/if it really comes down to it, the American people don't have it in themselves to truly protest, actively. So, I can agree with him on that point. I can't say that I agreed with him whole-heartedly on everything. And I never felt like he was asking me to agree.

As I'm typing, I'm realizing that this could be a very lengthy post, so let me try to wrap this up. Halfway through our conversation, he handed me a "business card" (I'm not sure what to call it...a "propaganda card"?) with a web address and an image of what he calls "Mexican Sam". I'll let you use your imagination. After mentioning I was in the fine arts industry, he went to his car and retrieved some political cartoons he drafted. Our discussion about religion is maybe a save for another post.

Although our initial interaction was abrupt, what I liked about Ken was that he did not ask me a series of personal questions; if I offered information, like my first name or my occupation, great, but there was no prying whatsoever. He would also periodically ask me if I was willing to still converse with him; he kept saying, "It's just good to talk these things through with other people---young people, at that".

One could say that this person had a major agenda in talking with me. But wouldn't that be the case for any and all activists? Is it really too much to ask for people to "do" instead of "think" about what they believe? It seems so foreign nowadays: to literally stand up for what is "right".

I have yet to thoroughly check out his website. I wanted to get all this down before I lost some of the thoughts.

There is some good out there...

2008-04-02T19:07:00.005-04:00

There is a series on NPR from StoryCorps called "Recording America". I heard a particularly inspiring segment of this series last Thursday just before going into work. I meant to post this sooner, but kept forgetting to look it up. Anyways, it's called A Victim Treats His Mugger Right

That link will take you to the recording...it's only a little over three minutes guys, so check it out. If you'd rather read it, go here!

We need more stories like this one in the news.

Julio Diaz, NYC social worker

The Bell Jar

2008-04-01T18:01:00.003-04:00

Last night, I finished reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. This was her first and last novel and parts of it are considered autobiographical. I have always been fascinated by Plath's poetry and was excited to read her novel...which is probably why I finished it in two days. I don't want to say too much in case you have not read it yet and plan to do so; I will admit that it is depressing. However, I respect that about it.

If I could pick one word to describe The Bell Jar, it would be "raw". Plath holds nothing back, and I found myself completely engaged in everything Esther Greenwood, the protagonist, was feeling/experiencing. At some points, I felt like Plath was describing my own feelings, as I have had bouts with anxiety and depression. Aside from the raw-ness, I just like the way this book is written. She manages to describe people, places, situations, events, etc. accurately and succinctly without a lot of fluff. I didn't get exasperated by some 3 page description of a certain room or a sidewalk. Plath also didn't "waste time" on intermediate events; in other words, if Esther was walking home from someone's apartment, she describes leaving, and then picks up the next morning at the hotel, or maybe even weeks later. It is the reader's responsibility to connect some of the dots based on given information. I think this also accounts for my engagement.

You should give it a read.

Cutting Corners

2008-03-29T20:24:00.003-04:00

My spring break officially started as of 12pm yesterday. Instead of being at school, I had to attend a workshop for all art educators in our county; the workshop involved a brief meeting about budget cuts, and then the installation of their annual elementary school art show.

About the budget cuts: it's all over the papers that Duval County Public Schools has to make $86.6 million dollars worth of cuts (Thank you, Charlie Crist, Tallahassee, and co.). In the list of proposed cuts is a reduction in support to art, p.e., and music resource in elementary schools. I found out yesterday at our meeting that the proposal is to cut this support by 50%. Yikes. A few thoughts...

1) I LOVE how the arts or what is considered "extra-curricular" is always the first thing to go. It is not considered essential to a quality, well-rounded education. This is creating a system in which the right side of the brain is never exercised or challenged. Using half of your brain sounds like a good idea to me!!!! especially when it seems that in today's job market, employers expect you to use your creativity to solve problems, increase gains, etc.

2) I think I have known this for a long time, but it has become clearer in recent months that I work in an industry whose existence and value has to be defended constantly. This bothers me.

3) My guess is that IF this proposal goes through, they will cut the number of art educators in the elementary sector by 50%, reduce the frequency of resource classes, and make the positions itinerant . I also suppose that they would eliminate 1st-3rd year teachers and hand over their jobs by principle of seniority.

In the meantime, I am looking for other job opportunities, just in case. My principal said he should know more by mid April. Grrr.

As for now, I am visiting my parents for a few days. I plan to do nothing but frequent the beach, get a tan, and organize some things for that after-school arts program. Yes, it has been approved!!!

Young Parking Nazis

2008-03-25T19:06:00.004-04:00

Part I.

It is understandable that people who live by the beach are a little anal about parking; they don't want random beach-go-ers parking on their lawns or blocking their driveways. Besides, space is limited, and you are lucky if you have a driveway of sorts. We don't, so we manage to fit 2 cars in the little patch of grass just outside our front door.

The day we moved into our apartment by the beach, our neighbors across the way offered, "You can park on our side of the road because you don't have that much room on yours. That's what the last people did." We thanked him and thought, "How nice! We don't have to dangerously parallel park our cars in front of and behind the speed limit sign in the middle of our patch of grass, butting up to busy A1A."

So, I took him up on his offer...for 3 weeks...until I was hollered at (yes, hollered, while riding by on my bike). "I didn't mean you could park there ALL the time, I just meant while you were moving in! Move your car." Okay, my mistake, please be more specific...and it wouldn't hurt to start a conversation with a greeting like, "Hey" or "Hi" or "How's it going?"

Weeks later, we had some friends over for dinner, one of whom parked on the now forbidden lot. She was parked there for no more than 10 minutes when we went outside to move her car. Again, no greeting, just a "Who's car is this?!" I briefly explained and he made a grunt.

Part II.

A guest of our next-door neighbor parked in one of our two spots, so Dylan parked in a vacant spot in front of their house. The next morning, his car had a nasty-gram: "If you park here again, I will tow your car." Dylan wrote back, "If your guests park in my spot again, I'll tow their car." Naturally, a blond representative from next-door came over the following evening (with her cat, mind you) to bark at us for parking in front of her house the previous night.

From the minute I opened the door and greeted her, it was obvious that she had no intention of settling things cordially. Despite my efforts she didn't seem to understand why Dylan parked in that spot; and she convinced herself that she had every right to park on our lot, but we didn't have the right to park on hers...even though both are considered public, off-street parking areas. She made up some crap about calling the police and asking them about it, blah blah blah. I felt like I was listening to one of my 3rd graders arguing about nothing so I tuned out. Her finale involved her turning on her heel, swinging the blond mass over her shoulder and feeling vindicated (for pure stupidity??), while addressing her cat, "C'mon Cocoa!!! Let's go."

Thoughts:
What troubles me most about this ridiculousness (other than the fact that a cat was being used as a bodyguard) is the fact both of these people are young adults, probably in their mid-to-late 20s. The stress and anger derived from something as lame as a parking spot baffles me...especially when it was all based on miscommunication or faulty assumptions. Good Lord. I've always thought it was a bad idea to make enemies with your neighbors as you are supposed to look out for one another. Now it has become anything but pleasant in passing. Thanks, neighbor 1 and neighbor 2.

In the words of Ferris Bueller: "Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond."

Peeved

2008-03-19T22:11:00.003-04:00

I read that it is better to fill up your tank in the morning or in the evening because the ground is cooler, the gas is denser, thus you get more bang for your buck. And apparently, if you pump the gas slowly, you save money because when you pump on the fastest setting, you're essentially paying for vapors. Deciding to test these suggestions, I pumped my gas this evening on the slow setting. My tank was almost at its limit and before I knew it, there was gas spilling all over my car, my feet, and the pavement....which resulted in my bill being over $35.00. Pissed that I had wasted money and gas, and even more pissed that from my knees down, I was soaked in gasoline, I went in to tell the cashier that the stopper (my highly technical term) was malfunctioning. Trying to curb my frustration, I briefly explained what happened and suggested that he bag the pump or put a note or something so that the next person didn't douse him/herself in gasoline. He looked confused, paused, and said, "Oh, so you put your gas cap on too tight?"

Now, if anyone out there has seen the film High Fidelity, you will recall the scene when Tim Robbin's character (Ian) comes into the record store, and John Cusack imagines at least 5 different situations of the interaction he would like to have with Ian. All of these situations involve John beating the crap out of Ian for dating his ex-girlfriend. Anyways, scenes like that flashed through my head in the brief 2 minute interaction I had with Mr. Kangaroo cashier-man.

I should have let my sarcasm (which my family has ingrained in me so well) explode, but I was able to contain myself, and curtly re-explain what seemed to be a simple incident...emphasizing that the pump was broken. He still didn't seem to understand and offered a weak apology. Sure, it's not his fault, but be a little more sympathetic, or convince me that you will actually do something about it to save someone else the trouble. OR, even better, give me back the money I sprayed on myself and the pavement, and offer to spray yourself from the knees down with gasoline at Pump 3. Then we can talk about gas caps being too tight and it will all make perfect sense.

Aside from that incident, my day was pretty great. A co-worker and I have proposed an after-school arts program that will include visual and performing arts. If our proposal goes through, and we are permitted to use some of the grant money, we will be able to start the program after spring break. We should find out the results tomorrow.

Nothing important

2008-03-17T21:51:00.004-04:00

I forgot it was St. Patrick's Day until I arrived at school and was threatened to be pinched because I wasn't wearing green. But, Happy St. Pat's Day to everyone.

The resource schedule has been nutty since FCAT began last week. Fortunately, it returns to normal tomorrow. I have not seen my 4th graders for a couple weeks, and I am sure I'll have to exert some effort to get them back on track. Hopefully, they can begin working on re-designing the sets for our televised morning announcements. The backgrounds for our sets are, in a word, fugly and have not been updated for about ten years (so I'm told). I barely finished asking the principal and vice principal if we could change it when they begged "Yes, please! You don't even have to ask. Just do something with it!" Let me just give a brief description of one of the sets to put this into perspective...

Made out of foam core (several layers hot-glued together) were these panels with grooves cut to look like a cement block wall. It was painted the same light blue of the actual walls....and the walls, not to mention, are indeed real cement block. Why, for the love of God, would you re-create what is already there and then paint it the same color?????

Anyways, I have taken on several little projects to help improve the appearance of the school. Fourth grade now has a large tree mural in their hallway, as per the teachers' request. They are going to use it as a "Compliment Tree" to acknowledge students of the month, etc. I have a few other requests which I hope to complete before May. Our school tends to look very sterile because of its previous function as a 6th grade center.

At this point, I feel like I'm rambling.

Happy Monday.

Life is Subjective

2008-03-08T11:20:00.004-05:00

If you're a white person looking for a good laugh, or someone who is not white that gets a kick out of satire, check out this blog that I heard about on NPR. Stuff White People Like is a blog dedicated to defining the qualities of a certain subculture of white folks, and I think I am in this category. I find myself laughing at 99% of the posts which reminds me that 1) it's great to be able to laugh at oneself and 2) I'm not so different from others.

Speaking of Nos. 1 and 2, I can add SAIC and UNCG to my rejection list. Now I'm just waiting on UGA...my gut feeling tells me theirs is a "no" as well. While I can laugh a little about these rejections, I can't help but feel somewhat sad and disappointed (in myself or in the schools, I'm not sure). I'd have to say I feel pretty similar to my former co-worker, kitkat who has also blogged about her grad school endeavors. This has been my second go-around applying to graduate schools and being rejected, and it's starting to get old. Last year, I did not feel very confident about my portfolio; my work was not coherent and my statement was muddled. But this year, I felt great about everything. I had a rock solid body of work, a good statement, great letters of rec, a great exhibition record...this is when I want to blah all over the subjectivity of the art world. I resort to questions like, "What am I doing wrong? Is it my work? My statement? My age? Ethnicity? Are my goals out of wack? Should I have not written in my statement that I want to help the community with my masters?"

So, now I am starting to wonder if an MFA is ever going to be in the cards for me. And if it is not, what are my long-term goals? I can't teach college level art with a BFA. What other well-paying jobs can I find in the art field that do not entail a snooty gallery or working part-time at artsy-craftsy summer camps, or working part time at a museum @ minimum wage?

In the meantime, keep my students in your thoughts over the next couple of weeks. They start FCAT tomorrow, and if I'm tired of hearing about how well they MUST DO, I'm sure they've had it.

Happy Monday, folks.

New Developments...

2008-03-02T21:13:00.002-05:00

I received my first rejection e-mail (sad I cannot even say "rejection letter") for graduate school: it was from UF.

I had a phone interview with UNCG a week ago, and I am not sure if it went well or not. It was difficult for me to gauge what they were looking for in my answers. I was asked a type of question which I have hated ever since reading comprehension dittos in 2nd grade. After they asked me to describe my work, and after mentioning Philip Guston as an influence, the professor questioned, "What would Guston think about you referencing his work?" This type of question peeves me because I don't flippin' know (how could anyone unless you ask that person). I felt like she was implying that I had copied Guston's work, which prompted me to answer the question by telling her that I had been inspired by his paint application, brushwork, composition, etc. I just think that often times, we presuppose an artist's (musician's, actor's, author's) intention based on what we know of the person and his/her life. This is all well and good, but I know that for myself, more than half the time, I do not have a specific feeling or intention or thought behind a work of art. It just happens.

Enough about that.

I just finished reading Atonement by Ian McEwan. This is the first time in a long time that I have a) read a novel and b) seen the movie before reading the book, and then been compelled by the movie to read the novel. I enjoyed the details of the characters provided by the book. For the most part, the movie adheres to the storyline in the book, which is rare. Because I experienced the story in "movie before book" order, it is difficult for me to decide if I truly liked the author's writing style, since I already knew what was to happen.

Send me some positive vibes. There are about 2 months left of school.

red hearts and green shells

2008-02-14T21:07:00.002-05:00

Up until a year ago, I was not particularly fond of Valentine's Day; it just felt like a manufactured, greeting-card company holiday (which it kind of is, but bear with me)---a day when people suddenly remember "Oh, I should tell this person how much I care about him/her!" instead of doing it on a regular basis.

I would like to share and excerpt from my journal entry from this time last year. It reads as follows:

(A little background info: Isaiah was the patient I worked with closely during my internship at Wolfson in order to help him write and illustrate a book he created about his life. Keep in mind he was eleven years old when he decided to do this; he also had leukemia. Isaiah has since passed away, and I miss him terribly. His birthday was Feb. 7th. He would have been 12 yrs. old this year. Eight year old Janea was another patient I worked with; she's the one who asked me, "You know what the worst thing is about having cancer? Everyone thinks I'm a boy because I don't have any hair." Shortly after sharing that with me, she had a seizure while painting with Amie and I.)

02.14.2007
This was the best V-day I have ever had. I went to Wolfson today, and David came to make mobiles with the kids. He had everything prepared from the rods to the hearts, shells, string, superglue. He thought of everything. We, thankfully, had a large group of kids, all of whom made their own mobiles with a little bit of help.

Janea was there today. I haven't seen here in a few months. She looks tinier than before, almost malnourished. She was wearing a light pink fuzzy hat atop her little head. She didn't stay too long in the playroom. I wonder if all her hair is gone again---I almost didn't recognize her when Lori wheeled her down the hallway. So tiny.

Isaiah was too sick to get out of bed today---he looked pretty tired; tired doesn't really descirbe it, more like drained and fucking exhausted. He perked up a little when I went in to give him his Valentine. His Gramma gave me a quote from the JSO SWAT team coin Isiah has. 'Whom shall I send. And who will go for us. Send me. I will go.' Isaiah 6:8

I decided to do it on a large canvas so that it stays together better than the paper. She wants it large enough for him to read while in bed. I also made him a mobile today. That green shell, the only green shell in the bunch, had to go on Isaiah's mobile. I think I'm getting emotionally attached. ..

So, why was it the best Valentine's Day ever? Because it celebrated life and LOVE. I was surrounded by the best people, kids who wanted to do art, women and men who are improving the quality of life. So today was about life of the body and soul. Some expressed it with heart & seashell mobiles, others with pink, painted hearts and "I love you"s. I think this is becoming my favorite holiday; the one I used to LOATHE because of it's greeting card manufactured-ness. But I'm past that now. It's comforting to see reds and pinks, hearts, flowers, cards, delivery trucks packed with corresponding balloons. It's about love---something lacking in the world. How wonderful to be around people I love; to have people to love.

So there you have it...that recollection of this day a year ago occupied my thoughts all day; it was great. Such a great day for such a great memory.

Love to all.

Untitled

2008-02-12T21:18:00.002-05:00

Ok.

I did it.

I actually painted tonight instead of sitting in front of the tube or distracting myself with other nonsense.

It felt great, cleansing, refreshing...and what would art-making be without a little frustration too? I chose to major in art because it is one of the only things that truly scares me, excites me, makes me want to better myself, makes me want to scream and walk away, yet keeps me coming back for more.

Cheesy, but true.

Here's to painting on a regular basis.

I heart public broadcasting

2008-02-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, you must check out this site.

I barely watch TV, but this show caught my attention yesterday, and after seeing that you didn't need 589405209840249 ingredients to make tasty meals, I became interested. Tonight, Dylan and I cooked this super-fab Shrimp, Tomato, and Basil Pasta dish. It cost about $10 for the main ingredients, and there is definitely enough for another meal or two.

In addition, I have been listening to National Public Radio for a couple of years now. I prefer NPR to other news networks (such as CNN, Fox News, or local news stations) because of their approach to journalism. I never feel like they are pushing an agenda, and always feel like I am receiving the raw information from which I can develop my own opinion. Isn't that what news is supposed to be? I also don't feel like I am consistently being bombarded by negativity and propaganda, or useless information; eh-hem, can we say Britney Spears?

I highly recommend NPR on your drive to/from work, or whenever. It makes the time fly and you actually feel informed about things that matter. They also have podcasts available on their website. For more info, check out their site. If you click on "Stations" near the top and type in your zip code, it will tell you what station they broadcast from in your area. For my family members in the Tampa/St. Pete/SRQ area, tune to WUSF-FM 89.7

A healthy kick in the...

2008-02-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

Whenever I call my mom with frustrations about work, she gently reminds me that everyday, I am there for a specific reason, and that reason will reveal itself at some point during the school day. And she's right---sometimes it's something obvious, sometimes subtle, and sometimes I don't realize it until I get home. Last Tuesday, my reason for being there pretty much kicked me in the ass. Before I explain, let me give you a little bit of background about our school's food program.

Basically, if parents opt to, students are provided with breakfast at 8am (which is usually something like a fruit bar, or cheese stick or muffin or egg sandwich or hot pocket) and lunch (too many options to list). If students remain at school for our after-school program called Team-Up, they are provided with dinner around 5pm. It is safe to say that the majority of students at our school participate in this program. The few that don't---well, it's hard to know if they are fed at home at all.

Anyways, Mrs. H walked her 3rd grade class into my room that morning and as they settled she approached me with a student who had his arm draped over his stomach . She quietly asked, "Ms. B, do you have anything to eat?" I told her yes, somewhat perplexed. She explained, "J didn't eat dinner last night and didn't eat breakfast this morning." I looked at J, now understanding his posture, and told him I had an apple, PB&J sandwich, and granola bar. The lack of excitement over an apple was made up for when I mentioned the sandwich. He didn't say anything but just nodded excitedly. I quickly retrieved my lunch from the back room and handed it over. He gave me a quiet "thank you" and went back with Mrs. H to her classroom to eat.

Not that I haven't thought about this before, but I can't imagine not eating ANYTHING since lunch the previous day as a third grader. Needless to say, I thank God I was there last Tuesday, for his sake. And I thank my mom for her perpetual selflessness.

In other news....(these are not in order of importance)

1. I've been having very vivid, lengthy dreams lately. Last night's was set at Sittee's (my mom's mom) house in PA. Nothing notable happened, but I remember feeling like I was actually there with her, helping with chores and listening to her crab about her daughter-in-law.

2. Last night, for the first time, I ate at this place called Mongo's. It is Mongolian-inspired cuisine where they cook everything in front of you on a flat-hot grill. I wouldn't recommend it because a) you have to stand in a buffet line to pick the items you want them to gril, b) stand and wait for it to be grilled, c) pay quite a bit of money and d) miss out on table talk because you're busy standing in line. The food was tasty, but the experience as a whole was somewhat annoying.

3. Laura returned from Spain last night. When I called my mom earlier, Laura was still resting (and rightly so). I am so glad she is back in the U.S. and I think she is too.

4. It was foggy at the beginning of last week during the mornings. I set up tables and paints outside so that students could depict the atmosphere with watercolors. I also had them write poems to assist their paintings. We read Carl Sandburg's "Fog" poem for inspiration. I was pleasantly surprised with their responses. If you are unfamiliar with "Fog", it is as follows:

The fog comes
on little cat feet

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on.

Bitter II

2008-02-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

As of last Tuesday, all of my grad school applications are in. Now it's the waiting game; though, I think I have plenty to keep me distracted while waiting. I started a countdown to the end of school and more than half the time, I forget to cross off the days. Yes, I am counting down...I have to make it through the next 4 months.

I've been meaning to write in my blog, but every time I sit down to begin an entry, I draw a blank. Or, my brain is swimming with all the things I should be doing instead. Last week was a train wreck at school. I'm sure part of that had to do with the fact that I was sick.

Ever since I began teaching in August, I've had this internal struggle with how to make myself a better teacher regarding instruction and classroom management (the latter taking precedent for obvious reasons). I cannot count how many times I have second-guessed and/or changed my methods to make things better for my students, and after a certain point, it all seems a little hopeless...well, more than a little. It is a struggle to stay positive teaching in neighborhoods that breed violence and destructive behavior; an environment without goals or positive reinforcement, where drug lords can offer the people more protection than the police. Where parents could give two shits about their child's behavior at school (especially in a white woman's class), let alone their academic achievements, period. After all, most of these parents are my age, if not younger.

Often, I hear people say, "Oh, but if you only save one, then it's worth it....", or "Your job must be so rewarding despite the challenges", or "Well they must LOVE art class". This is all very idealistic. Perhaps I am too young or too naive to truly understand those statements, but from what I understand at this point in time, it feels and seems like bullshit. In fact, I am angered a little when people generalize like that. I'm not sure people understand how bad the system is or how rapidly this part of our culture is declining.

To go to work is becoming more like a ministry or a community service experience. And I know it sounds like I absolutely hate my job, but this is not so. I think I'm angry because I know that I cannot fix things or people (let alone a dilapidated neighborhood/community). If I had it my way, I would give all the attention, care, and love that I could to my students...adopt them. But I can't. And I have 40 minutes, once a week, to teach them about art; that is my contact; that is my opportunity to connect, on some level. I suppose all I can do is hope that something sticks, and let go.

missing

2008-01-09T11:31:00.000-05:00

Getting back into my routine has been difficult. I space out several times during the day, thinking about my grampa's funeral and worrying about my gramma. I am having a harder time than I thought I would with the death of my grampa, not because his death was sudden but because there is this void. I am so thankful for my family---for our closeness, sincerity, humor, love, to name a few. I realize that part of the reason that we have such a fabulous family is because of my grampa; he created it. And it is a strange thing to know he is not physically present anymore, especially at a family gathering. Our bodies really are shells without our spirit and soul. I miss him.

Aside from that, things have been troublesome with the house. Megan and I have not stayed there for the past couple weeks and managed to break our lease. The cherry on top of the rat problem is that I found a dead squirrel wedged in between two cushions in my couch. All I could see were its hind legs and tail; its head seems to be stuck underneath the cushions. I have to laugh (even though it's disgusting) because I can't imagine a squirrel getting itself stuck in a couch. Aren't they agile? Can they not jump from trees, dodge traffic (sometimes)? Surely it could back itself out of a space in a couch. ?!?!?!?! Oh well. I also laugh because my grampa used to use his slingshot and rocks to get squirrels off of his bird feeder. I guess he didn't need to waste time and energy with a slingshot all those years. He could have lured those squirrels to their doom with couch cushions.

Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes

2007-12-31T18:18:00.001-05:00

Too much has happened in the past 11 days to record in full, so I'll summarize.

1. My grampa passed away on Christmas Eve. This is something my family has been expecting since his health began to really decline a couple months ago. Still, I'm not sure one can ever be prepared for it. My dad got the call from my Uncle Charles, and I knew by my dad's demeanor what the call was about. It was the second time in my life that I have seen my dad cry; the first time was on 9/11. These brief tears were followed by hugs and memories.

It's difficult to sum up my memories/thoughts/views about Grampa, but predominantly, I remember him as someone who viewed (and lived) life as an aesthetic experience: the love for his wife, family, golf, other people, music, painting, ice cream/sweets, humor...even shooting squirrels with a slingshot :) Below are only a few examples...

-I remember sitting across from him at the kitchen table in NC eating cereal one morning. I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. We sat in silence for a while as I ate, and then he told me I had such beautiful, big brown eyes and that he was happy I had brown eyes.

-I remember numerous times that he would have Gramma put on one of his favorite CDs, turn it up loud, and just marvel aloud at how gorgeous the sounds were; how it just touched his soul. He let everyone know it too; I loved that about him.

-I remember him always being more excited about dessert than dinner, and that ice cream always had to be in a cone. I remember the way he would shuffle his slipper-ed feet to his bedroom and tell us, "Well, I'm off the radar screen".

-I remember the way he looked and Gramma, told her he loved her and all of her idiosyncrasies.
-I remember the last time I saw him---it was at Katie and Brian's for Luke's birthday. He ate none of the meal other than the cake and ice cream (of course). He asked me to get him a second helping. Gramma and I teased him as he gobbled down every last bit of it.

I love him and will miss him terribly.

2) I got back to Jacksonville on Saturday to be greeted by some odd, foul smell in the house. I awoke Sunday morning to find fresh rat droppings throughout each room along with muddy prints all over the blinds, bookcases, window sills, and a couple inches of wood chewed off the ledges (plus an even more potent, unpleasant smell). Awesome. Our landlord is refusing to set traps because he "doesn't have time" and assures us that it is probably only one rat and that poison will do the trick (eh-hem, so that more of them can die beneath the house and emit righteous smells). He also refused to plug the hole from where they came. In the meantime, Megan and I are trying to decide what to do about the mess and what to do with our urine-ified/poop-ified furniture. We called the Dept. of Health.

3) The new year will begin shortly. Does anyone really keep their New Year's resolutions? I'm still trying to think of my own.

Happy 2008, everyone. Love to all.

A "Me, me me" entry

2007-12-20T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I received this email today from the Museum of Contemporary Art Jacksonville. I mentioned in this previous post that I had entered some work. The results are in:

Dear First Coast Portfolio Applicant,
We are happy to inform you that one or more of your pieces were selected for inclusion in First Coast Portfolio: A Juried Art Educators Exhibition. You will be receiving a letter shortly detailing the next step in the process. Congratulations, and we look forward to seeing the selected works in person in January.

Happy Holidays,

Ben Thompson

BEN THOMPSON

Registrar

MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART | JACKSONVILLE
333 North Laura Street : : Jacksonville, FL 32202
(904) 366-6911 ext 206 : : (904) 366-6901 fax
www.mocajacksonville.org

This is very exciting! It is a gorgeous space and it will be great exposure. Maybe I can actually sell a flippin' painting or two.

In the meantime, my grad-school applications are plugging along. Did I mention I still have some pieces to finish before my portfolio is complete? Apparently, I'm really good at counting to 20. Needless to say, I am feeling a little stressed. I do have some new paintings though that I feel pretty good about.